Mental
Health information, resources, communities, books, and
support
Facing Life's Obstacles
by Patty Pheil M.S.W.
Normally the topic I write about in articles involves something
I am currently dealing with in my own life. That is what sparks the discussion
and because I've been there I am very likely to understand at least some of what
you might be enduring presently. I mix that up with my social worker experience
and training and what has worked for me.
Let me outline my largest current obstacle for you and then I will break it down
in parts as to how I am dealing with it.
Obstacle: Emotional Involvement with a romantic interest. It is an obstacle
having this very strong emotional involvement because "he isn't good for
me," - his behavior causes me a great deal of emotional pain.
You can substitute this obstacle I am experiencing with something you are
currently undergoing. The method of getting rid of obstacles, whatever they are,
in our lives can sometimes be quite similar.
The first page of a very popular book that I cannot even remember the name of
the book (LOL) states that life is full of problems and that as soon as we
realize that and accept that we will face life easier. In the book it discusses
how surprised most of us seem to act and feel when a problem or obstacle appears
in our lives. The book advises us again to make peace with the fact that life is
difficult and accept that life is full of problems and to not be surprised when
we face a new problem in our life.
A book that I highly recommend in changing your whole attitude about life in
such a way is called "Happiness is A Choice."
I think the first thing that needs to happen is recognizing an obstacle when it
comes our way. In my situation I did not get out of denial that this man would
continue to hurt me emotionally and that nothing good could come from this
relationship for some time. I kept trying to "make him" stop hurting
me emotionally. I kept saying to myself "if I try something new perhaps the
relationship can be a success and I won't continue to feel rotten."
So I would continue in many different ways my behavior of trying to change an
obstacle into something successful. At some point, in order to defeat the
obstacle we need to fully see the situation for what it is. We need to get out
of denial and accept the fact that this is truly an obstacle.
What is an obstacle? In my mind it is something that is upsetting our lives in
some way. It is something we need to resolve and get past if we are to be a
happy person with peace in our lives.
It could be that you lost your job and you have no way to support yourself until
you find another job. The obstacle is that you are presently jobless and receive
no income. The goal is of course to find the means to support yourself
financially. This could be by getting another job, moving out of our home and
staying with family or friends depending upon the severity of the problem,
applying for financial assistance with either welfare or unemployment, etc.
In my life I finally came out of denial that the relationship with this man
would only continue to hurt me and not bring enough good in my life to make it
worthwhile. The obstacle for me is not the man himself. He has no power over my
life unless I allow it.
It appears that the solution to the problem is to remove this man from my life.
What then is the obstacle? For me it is my tremendous emotional involvement, the
feelings I have for this man. It is hard to leave a person in your life when you
have strong feelings for them and when we leave we suffer a process called
"grief." Grief is hard work and it hurts. Not one of us wants to
grieve if we don't have to.
However when we have emotionally unhooked ourselves from the person we no longer
grieve. We are no longer emotionally involved.
There are many different ways to grieve the loss of someone. The stages of grief
are basically the same: shock and denial, "bargaining," anger and
depression and finally acceptance.
You can choose to give in to tremendous emotional pain when it comes your way
during grief and suffer and grieve emotionally for a long time. You can just
keep feeling hurt and just count on time to resolve this.
You can also try to avoid grief by drinking a lot of alcohol or by taking
illegal drugs. Some people are able to stop grief in their minds through
different methods. It could be workaholism, television addiction, eating
addiction, etc. These are unhealthy ways to deal with grief and we stay stuck in
our grief and don't allow ourselves to get over the loss we are experiencing. We
keep ignoring our feelings. These feelings however don't dissolve inside of us
while we ignore them. They stay right there inside of us until we allow
ourselves to grieve.
It's like having garbage inside of us and many people handle obstacles and grief
in such a way that as time goes on, more and more garbage is accumulated inside
ourselves unresolved. This makes us emotionally ill and can even make us
physically ill. Many physical maladies come about due to long term stress or
worsen.
Long term stress also changes the chemistry of our brains and we may become
depressed or we may become a very angry person.
So we must grieve in life. It is essential and unavoidable. We lose people we
love and we can't stop it from happening in many cases. No matter how hard we
try to control our lives, stuff happens anyway. I once had a psychiatrist tell
me that we have as much control over our lives as a flea on a wagging dog's
tail.
So, back to my situation - my obstacle. I got out of denial finally and realized
I am facing an obstacle. What do I do to remove the obstacle of having a great
deal of feelings for this man which keeps me mourning and sad?
Some of us see red flags everywhere but we keep moving toward the obstacle
instead of away from it. I saw red flags, tons of them but I kept moving closer
to this person.
Number two, I need to forgive myself for getting myself into this situation.
Obstacles can be created by us or just "come on their own." I saw the
red flags but feeling so vulnerable, I ignored them.
Three, learn from our mistakes. What can I learn from my situation? Look for red
flags in people and if you see some from the start, don't get involved.
Four, I have decided that I don't just want to "kick back" and hurt
badly for a long period of time over this man. I realize that I have a LOT of
control over what I think about and what I do. Instead of allowing my sadness to
overcome me one day and not do anything else but be sad, I can choose to make
myself do some other things. I can choose to also get emotional support from
friends by calling them on the phone. I can choose to practice cognitive therapy
with affirmations all on my own. If I needed outside help from a counselor
perhaps, I would choose to see a counselor. Part of dealing with obstacles is
realizing what you can do alone and what you need assistance with. Smart people
that need help ask for it. You may need medications. You may need a therapist.
You may even need ECT, etc. Whatever it is you need, you do everything in your
power to get it.
I have found some things that work for me and I will gladly share them with you
and perhaps they will assist you as well. Remember there is no white and no
black. There is no absolutely right way to deal with obstacles. We are all
individuals and what works for one may not work for another.
Here is what I am doing: I have found my neglected journal and begun to write in
it. I talk about my obstacle, how I feel about it and how I'm going to get
myself of this mess. In this particular situation I put a note on my computer
saying "Emotionally Unhook Yourself, Get Free, There is a new guy
coming." These words work for me. Other words may work for you.
In my journal I do emotional work in there and I can refer back to it to help
strengthen me whenever I need to.
Here are some of the things I have written in my journal:
"I only know IT IS TIME for me to EMOTIONALLY UNHOOK myself from him. NO
more crying over him, missing him and putting up with his abuse. Those times are
gone BECAUSE I say it is time for those things to be gone�It is time now to
EMOTIONALLY UNHOOK MYSELF from him. <notice how I use those words a
lot>When I can do that I can see me being FREE and boy that would feel so
good - to be in a place where I feel NO MORE PAIN�
HOW AM I GOING TO EMOTIONALLY UNHOOK MYSELF? Keep telling myself things and see
things in my mind.
I don't ever have to see him again. I can choose that. I can choose to get him
out of my life NOW. I can stop him from being in my life. I can choose to stop
feeling emotional pain over him as HE IS NO LONGER IN MY LIFE SO IT DOESN'T
MATTER, doesn't matter, doesn't matter.
Imagine my life now as if I had never met him. Imagine my life now being free of
him emotionally to where it doesn't matter anymore what he does. Who cares about
what he does? I don't as I have tossed him out of my life. I have chosen to live
free and happy.
Stop right now looking at him on aol messenger. It only keeps me from my goal of
getting unhooked. Discipline myself.
STOP GIVING HIM SO MUCH POWER. He is only a klutz.
It doesn't matter if he hurts and wants to see me. He is a nobody to me�His
behavior and his thoughts don't touch my life because I have emotionally
unhooked myself from him. He will not be in your future. Get rid of him now and
be free.
Don't put your self esteem issues on what he does. He is abusive! It isn't me.
It is him. He is SICK. He purposely does things to hurt you but it doesn't work
anymore because he can jump up and down and do whatever - it is nothing to you.
SEE YOURSELF BEING FREE! You are free NOW. Feel the calm and the good feelings
that go with that�
It is a waste of time even writing about him. I should get up and do other stuff
- fun and enjoyable stuff because I am FREE from him. YEA! What a wonderful
feeling?..
You are already unhooked from him. Feel how good that feels. I can be free right
now. Choose it.
He doesn't count. He doesn't matter. I choose to have a life where he is not in
it anymore. UNHOOK YOURSELF NOW."
You may have to re-read your affirmations many times. As I've said before the
subconscious mind does not know the difference if you tell yourself something is
true and see yourself there as if you are already where you want to be. Soon
your subconscious mind will believe it and when that happens, if that obstacle
is still in your life you will be out of your comfort zone. We naturally get
back to our comfort zone of what our subconscious mind believes.
I will still have to grieve this person but I can attack the problem
aggressively and not sit around and feel pain over and over again. I am not
running from the obstacle, I am facing it head on and I am putting out energy to
remove the obstacle radically.
As I said earlier, sometimes we need outside help and recognizing that if we do
need it and getting the assistance we need is extremely important. If outside
help will bring you closer to your goals, do it!
Outside help can be medication, counseling, talking with friends, getting off
the couch and making yourself do other things when we are able to do that.
How is it working for me thus far? Very well so far. I need to continue to
discipline myself to not putting aol messenger back in my computer to see him
online. I need to continue doing those things that will emotionally unhook
myself.
Change is not instant. It is a process of taking off the old and putting on the
new.
Facing obstacles is hard work. Taking care of yourself during those times is
extremely important. We need to eat right, get enough rest every night, allow
ourselves time for ourselves and for enjoying life, etc.
If you have the bipolar disorder you know how important it is to stick with your
schedule. Go to bed at the same time every night. Eat at least 3 meals a day
around the same time. Recognize mania or depression early if you can so that you
can take the steps necessary to becoming stabilized.
If you start feeling manic, lower the lights, lower the sounds and relax as much as possible. Go to sleep at night and forget the fun of hypomania. I love being hypomanic. It is SO much fun. However I have learned that it can lead to full blown mania for those of us with Bipolar Disorder I and that is no fun at all.
