Q. I am a 32 year old woman who is in love with a 48 year old therapist with a deep seated avoidant personality disorder rooted in his overbearing mother and ex-spouse of 20 years. He and I had a wonderful courtship, then his avoidant 'stuff" resurfaced. He has, for over 15 years, been in counseling with a psychologist who encourages him to be avoidant and alone. He is hyper social in non-close relationships and is attracted to the risk of courting married women. We were engaged to be married and he ran. He and I get along great and do love one another, yet it doesn't work because I represent the forbidden "close relationship" and he runs and avoids me. He was initially attracted to my youth which seemingly would allow him to recapture all that he lost. Now, I find myself very critical and angry at him at all times for being so avoidant. I want to love him freely and unconditionally...how do I break the avoidant wall? The only way I can think of doing this is by never again speaking to him and going away because he has me as the "close relationship icon" and he despises this. The more he avoids, the more I get angry. The more angry I get, the more he avoids....I am so darn frustrated. What we shared was so great until that darn disorder resurfaced...and now he has amnesia to all we shared....tell me...how do I relate to this man who is commitment-phobic, avoidant of close relationships, yet wonderful in so many ways? SOS Can you help me?
A. This is a difficult issue, and probably not amenable to a short (or even long) email reply. My belief is that people change what they believe is wrong. If he does not see his behavior as being wrong, he will not change. Even if he does, and he changes to please you, there will be resentment on his part. Get together with a good therapist and try to work it out. If it is not workable, find a new boyfriend and stop torturing yourself.
