Q. I have been in a relationship for two years with a man that is like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. I have tried to break it off with him several times, but he always promises things will be different, and he will do anything to keep me from leaving. Well, I've finally realized that things are never going to be different. For three months I have refused to see him until he gets therapy. He says he wants to, but he wants me to be there for him. I insist that I can't help him and he has to do things on his own. I tell him he has to get his life straighten out before I will be a part of it, and he says he can't without me, and it's a vicious circle. I have just read "Stop Walking on Eggshells," and I know without a doubt that he is borderline. He has every single symptom except self- mutilation. I now understand where his fear of abandonment comes from, but my question is how do I leave this person (which I know that I have to do for my own sanity) without making him worse? I know that staying isn't helping him either, but is there any way I can help him see what that there is a cause for his distress and that there is help available? He won't go to therapy unless I let him into my life again, otherwise he told me he will just self- destruct. I know I can't be part of his life, and I can't do anything to help him, but should I tell him about BPD, or will it only make things worse?

 

A. In your description, you indicated "...I now understand where his fear of abandonment comes from, but my question is how do I leave this person (which I know that I have to do for my own sanity) without making him worse?"

First, your question seems to assume that, because he told you that he can't get better without you, that you believe that he will get worse or can't get better unless you're with him. It seems that you may need to put that line of thinking aside and focus on your decision to leave and what's best for you. What do you need to successfully end the relationship? What boundaries and limits do you need to set so you are able to "move on". In other words, your focus should be on you and what you need. It's unlikely that you are going to "make it better" or "make it worse" for that matter. He is responsible for his treatment and how he approaches his treatment.

Lastly, remember that focusing on yourself doesn't mean that you don't care about him anymore. You can still care about him and encourage him to take care of himself. If he chooses not to take care of himself, its his choice, not yours.