Q. When I was 14, I was forced to have oral sex by two boys my age. Some months later, I sexually abused a small boy in my care, too young to remember of to tell. I'm 38 now, cared responsibly for children since then, but my guilt about that incident is very strong. They say once an child abuser, always a child abuser. How much truth is there to that?. I don't desire to work with children, but would like to feel more comfortable with children in general, with my nieces and nephews etc.

Have never hurt or wanted to hurt a child since my crime at 14. At 26 I was diagnosed with Bipolar and borderline personality disorder. In the last 2 years, I've done very much better and have taken responsibility for my actions. I don't want to minimize what I did at 14. Must I be on guard forever and avoid children who approach me in public? It was a single criminal incident. Very brief but very sordid. I trust myself that I would never do anything like that again, I don't have that kind of desire for children. I don't believe that I deserve to forgive myself. Is there any way to see my way past this?

 

A. First, I want to state up front that I do not have extensive training in the areas of sexual abuse. However, I am comfortable stating that I believe that change is possible for everyone and I don't believe the statement "once a child abuser, always a child abuser". From your description, it sounds like it was a one time thing that occurred after you were abused yourself. This is actually quite common. People who have been abused often experience intense feelings of anger and guilt along with a strong desire to try to understand why it happened to them. Abuse victims sometimes experience a need to reenact the experience of abuse in hopes of learning from it and possibly "mastering" the situation. That it was a one time event following your own abuse makes it quite positive for you in terms of prognosis.

With regard to your belief that you can't forgive yourself: With understanding and empathy comes forgiveness. Forgiveness, if you choose to give it to yourself, is a powerful tool that allows you to free up the anger and hurt inside of you. Think of it as a cleansing process. Too many people have been raised with the belief that forgiveness means that "what one did was forgivable and therefore, not so bad". Therefore, people often withhold forgiveness to either punish themselves or others OR to send the message that what one did was wrong and inexcusable. I believe that forgiveness is a positive process that allows us to move on. What's kept you from granting yourself forgiveness? Do you think that as soon as you granted yourself forgiveness that you would run out and recommit a crime? Very unlikely. Given your description, it sounds as if you have done enough unnecessary self-punishing over the past 20 years. Remember that your response to your own abuse was actually quite common and understandable. No one is pronouncing it to be legal or healthy, just understandable and common.

Self-forgiveness may be the key to you moving on. Give it some consideration.