Q. There is something I would like to ask you about in relation to borderline personality disorder. I feel that I have made a lot of progress with this disorder yet there is something that continues to create obstacles for me. I have always had a hard time with being in a relationship. Every time I get involved with a man it doesn't last. I know this is because of me. I get unreasonably scared of being intimate and scared that I will lose this person once I begin to develop strong feelings for him. I want to have a boyfriend but it never works out. As soon as I start to get at all serious with someone I get scared and run away. Every time. I will do things to make him want to leave or I will outright push him away. I want so much to stop doing this but fear I will never know how to allow myself to be close to anyone. Once I managed to stay in a relationship but that was because he was incredibly patient with me. No matter what I did to test him he would pass. He wouldn't give up when I became unreasonable and when I would try to make him go away. But, he died. My fear came true of him leaving. I know it was not his choice to die as it was a natural death but still, he left. I have recently met someone who I would like to get to know better but he is "normal". I am scared to let him into my world of craziness yet I want to allow myself to get closer to him. Sometimes I feel I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life by my own doing yet I don't want this to happen. Do people with BPD "grow out of" these symptoms? Is this something I can somehow work through or do I just need to step out of my comfort zone and take a risk?

 

 A. First, I would like to compliment you on taking time to reflect on your past and current relationships since I really believe that we can learn a great deal about ourselves and what we need be examining how we relate to other people.

Near the end of your email you asked, "Do people with BPD "grow out of" these symptoms? Is this something I can somehow work through or do I just need to step out of my comfort zone and take a risk?" With all due seriousness, I would answer, yes, yes, and yes. Your speculations are very insightful and will provide you with a nice framework to work from when coping with and managing these feelings of abandonment and separation-anxiety.

Do people with BPD "grow out of" these symptoms? Most of the research suggests that the intensity of these feelings and experiences "mellow" with age. Patients in their 30s and 40s report a decrease in the intensity and frequency of these feelings. We are uncertain why this is but it is likely a combination of maturity, biological changes due to growing older, improved coping skills, and enhanced life experiences.

Is this something I can somehow work through? Yes, in fact, working with a trained therapist who is knowledgeable and skilled in the field of bpd, abandonment fears, and relationship issues may be the best thing to do while you work on developing a relationship with your friend. Your therapy should center on how to identify and manage these feelings as they arise so that you can maintain and improve your relationship.