Q. A few questions if you don't mind. My husband's mother is what in the "psych terms" would be considered a flaming borderline. Anyway recently my husband broke his collarbone and he has been severely angry and wants to end the relationship with me, mainly because I wasn't there for him "like I should have been." I have always thought he has some borderline traits, but I believe because there are dependency issues here at stake, things have been revealed more. He was very verbally cruel to me yesterday, referring me to as a simpleton, repulsive. I am an RN and although I did take care of him somewhat, I didn't care for him according to his standards. He is equating this situation with how selfish I have been for the last 5 years, etc. and because of this he wants the marriage to end. My question is wouldn't being in a situation where you are faced directly with having to rely on another person to meet your needs exacerbate the personality traits?

 

A. Yes, in some cases, dependency issues that arise in relationships can exacerbate some personality and relationship problems. It may have been that he really needed your help but really resented having to need it. Usually, once you peel the onion, you will find that underneath the anger and resentment is the core feeling/emotion being tapped into..and that is usually a sense of helplessness or feeling out of control. People usually begin to act in ways to regain control or competency. In this case, he lashed out, made disparaging remarks about you and threatened to end the relationship. For some people, control over the relationship is the most important factor in why they stay in. It may be helpful to explore for yourself why you do stay in this relationship. From this perspective, it appears that control may be a strong force.