Q. As you can probably understand, I am very uncomfortable writing about this, but I need to ask a professional about my problem. I am a 27 year old gay male. I have been doing some research and reading regarding borderline personalities in addition to my psychology classes in college. It seems that some of my behavior patterns coincide with the symptoms. I enjoy dating older men. My "issue" is that I get extremely jealous and envious if their penis is larger than mine. I often feel inadequate and constantly feel that my masculinity is being compromised and that they are not sexually enjoying me as much as I'm enjoying them� and the more they reassure me that I am fine the way I am, the more I believe they are saying it out of pity. I have been dealing with this for a few years now and it has become detrimental to maintaining a healthy relationship. I often have love-hate feelings for the person and would look forward to seeing them again, but once we jump in the sack, I feel bad again. I have never really seen a therapist, but I'm extremely pessimistic about that. Also, I constantly feel that the therapist will think if I really do have an inadequate penis or if I just think I do. This is an ongoing dilemma and the more I try to understand what I have, the more it troubles me. At times, I think being ignorant about my problems would be beneficial to me� or to just think about sex as enjoyable as it should be instead of comparing sizes and feeling awful and defeated.

 

A. First I think it is important to address your concerns that you think you demonstrate behavioral patterns consistent with the diagnosis of bpd. A word of caution, especially for people taking college level psychology courses, is that there is a tendency for students to scrutinize and over-analyze themselves to the point where they believe they may have an illness (such as bpd). Remember that to actually meet the criteria for bpd you would need to consistently display at least 5 of the 8 criteria symptoms AND it would need to cause you functional impairment in areas such as your occupation, your social life, your education, etc. So my advice to you is be cautious about labeling yourself too quickly.

Lastly, the latter part of your question had to deal with your feelings about your penis size. Your feelings about any part of your body are important and ultimately add up to what we describe as our self-image or body-image. How we feel about our body, who we are, and how we think other people perceive us can clearly effect how we relate to others and how successful we are in maintaining relationships. In my opinion, I think the issues you bring up are important enough to address with a professional. You indicated that you are pessimistic about going into therapy for this but I would still strongly encourage you to consider this. Seek out the help of a professional who specializes in sex therapy, relationships, and/or intimacy issues. In most areas, there are therapists who specialize in lesbian/gay issues as well. You might feel more comfortable with someone like this. Clearly, I wouldn't just turn to the yellow pages and choose a therapist at random. Give a few therapists a call and talk briefly with them about your concerns and see whether you think you would feel comfortable discussing it with them further.