Helpful Advice from BPDs to Significant Others

If you have some helpful advice to significant others you can send your letter to with "bpdtsig" in the subject.

I'm not sure I have any "advice" for family members. I can only admit that I have hurt many, many people due to my illness. I have hurt both of my parents, my cousins, aunt and uncle, boyfriends and unfortunately my own daughter. 

I did not hurt them because I have a character disorder or that I am a bad person. Quite the contrary, I am known as a very kind, caring and loving person. My hurtful behaviors towards others had less to do with who I really am, my own real personality, than my illness which is borderline personality disorder.

It is important to remember that someone who is actively suffering from this disorder is working VERY hard on a moment to moment basis JUST TO SURVIVE. Being in our skin, or walking in our shoes is EXTREMELY painful and may not make much sense to someone looking from the outside. We feel everything much deeper than you do. Some "little" upset can put us over the edge into feeling suicidal. Our emotions are not regulated like yours are. It is not our fault. We experience malfunctions in our brains. Many times, as Dr. Heller puts it, our "brains fire out of control." We can't help it but we do anything we can to make it stop.

We experience dysphoria (anxiety, rage, depression and despair) a lot. If we scream at you at the top of our lungs and perhaps hit or kick things or knock things over, we are probably experiencing a seizure, yes, a seizure. It would probably show up on an EEG as a seizure. 

Many times, knowing fully what was happening in my brain etc., I experienced a rage and I did everything I could do to survive it. I went outside and walked around. I kicked things that couldn't be damaged. I TRIED not to scream at my fiancée, very difficult to NOT do. We want to rage and scream and kick as if we were toddlers. It is a terrible feeling and for me, Haldol helps a lot. 

I very RARELY experience these rages anymore as I am on the right medications now. If it were not for these medications I would doubt that I could have a successful relationship with my fiancée.

If you love someone who is borderline it is important you know that their rages are not your fault and they are not "bad." It is important to know they have a neurological disorder and they desperately need help. They need medication first and then counseling, the right kind of therapy. If at all possible, find a therapist trained in DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) - see my therapist list or call Marsha Linehan, creator of DBT.

It is important not to be co-dependent and that you need to lovingly detach whenever possible if you cannot help them as Melodie Beattie states in her excellent books about co-dependency.

If they want help, great! Get them to a Dr. ONLY a Dr. that knows how to treat this disorder, otherwise to be honest you are simply wasting your time and years out of their life and yours.

If they don't want help you must make a decision about your life. You must put yourself first. No matter the cause of the borderline's behavior, it is NOT ok for you to experience it. You simply don't deserve it.

It is perfectly ok to leave a relationship that is not good for you. You must take care of yourself. Do not get into the thinking that you yourself can take care of that person or help that person get well.

How can you help them when their brains are damaged? I went to therapy for years and still I remained ill.

If you are actively involved in a very dysfunctional relationship with a borderline, I think it is important to ask yourself what it is about you that you are in this relationship. If you are in pain, ask the person to get help and get help yourself. If they or you are unwilling what is preventing you from leaving and going on with your life? If it is difficult for you to leave a painful relationship where no one gets help, this is the time you need to get some help for yourself and that is perfectly ok. Getting help is not a weakness but a strength in taking care of yourself.

Also I wanted to acknowledge your feelings that yes, it is not just you. Borderlines can be very, very difficult to be around. When we can be our true selves without the illness, we are truly wonderful and usually very intelligent people. However the illness many times keeps people at a distance. You are not alone in your frustrations.

Co-author, Paul Mason in his excellent book that I recommend, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" states that it is not a good idea for you to tell the borderline about their diagnosis if they are not aware of it. I encourage you to read her book for more details. It is in my recommended reading section.

I am writing to give to hope to BPD's, MPD's and the significant others. I am a 63 year old Mother of a BPD/MPD who was diagnosed in 1991. She has had extensive therapy since then and been fortunate enough to have three good counselors who really helped us all. There has been great improvement in the past 20 months and after 8 years I am the most hopeful I have ever been. My daughter is learning many new coping skills and has successfully held a good job for two years and made regular monthly payments to me since January 1998. She is out of debt and paying her own bills. She recently moved closer to us and as our relationship heals I have very happy to be able to see her again on a regular basis. She is a wonderful person and daughter and I thank God for all the good that is coming our way. PLEASE all BPD's and significant others, don't ever give up hope. There are good counselors out there and once you find one, there is help.

Sincerely - One Happy Mom!

This is a letter from someone with the BPD to their boyfriend:

"If you know me so well then tell me which hand I use..." some assessments are right, correct and some wrong. Some I fit like a piece to a puzzle and others I don't fit at all. I don't know how to take that thing about your mother, that conversation. I am not sure how to take any of it. Yes, I am into splitting, into self-destructive behavior, but that is not all I am.

Be careful, very careful telling me who I am. B/c sometimes I think you only partially know. Our relationship was not finished by my borderline and I'm not sure if you inferred that or if I just read more into it. I felt locked to you and to CITY NAME and not only b/c of who I am. Be careful with labels b/c you can get them wrong....I will not apologize to you or anyone else for what someone else did to me or what I have to deal with. I have issues with trust and it is not jealousy that I feel....another misinterpretation on your part...it is fear. My ambivalence haunts me....I hate when boys leer at me sometimes... I want to be beautiful on the outside and yet not only based on outward appearance. My mind is trying to fight society and that is not borderline, it is injustice. It's part of being a woman.

Why I am constantly fat, even though I am not, by any means. I have a mold to fit into. If you thought you had one, try being a female teenager.

I like your mother, I like your family. So, for me, don't leave it at that. Don't make my problems all of it. B/c its really not. You stood my borderline for months, and you would have stood it for longer.

I am a tornado but I will not feel shame although I felt at first like I should. Like I bear scars...oh she's BORDERLINE..well guess what? Be careful with labels...

It's sad in life when you become the problem, and everything is about the problem. I am lucky, it could be worse considering how much I was f'd over. Sometimes I feel as if I am ancient.

Do you wanna know the truth? I shy away from normal boys my age. I will not date anyone that is not "deep" or different" and I went through it with "J", and you too. Sometimes I would not feel attracted and it hurt like hell. I would feel like you loved me more, or he loved me more. And then I would feel superficial b/c its not as if I didn't find you attractive.

You sent me some passages that weren't even me....they really weren't. And, I respect you for wanting to educate yourself. But don't you think it's a little late for that??