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i have been wanting to write my story for a very long time...
somehow i kept getting off track... but after reading about other
people’s lives... there are many things i see that we all
share...and i feel a bit safer... and i would like to write now...
<deep breath> my parent’s marriage was unhealthy... at the
age of four (possibly earlier) my mother decided to take me along
on her indiscretions... the longest lasting affair was with
john... one night i was sitting with my father watching the wizard
of oz, which i was excited about, when my mother approached me,
"Are you ready? come on... let’s go... we’ll get you
something good to eat..."i knew what that meant- she was
going to see john... i didn’t want to go... i said so...i was
about five and a half at the time... this was perhaps the first
time that i had refused her... she gave me That Look, as she
snapped the gloves on her tiny hands... the moment she was out of
the drive, i told my father where she was going.. all he said was,
"i know.."neither of us looked away from the
television... my brother and i were riding our bicycles around the
neighborhood sometime after that incident... we were carefree...
racing...laughing... until we saw both of their cars heading
towards home... we rode hard and ran inside... i jumped onto my
mother’s lap, scared... and asking, "So, you get me,
right?" she lowered her head and said that i had to go
with my father... i screamed and cried throwing myself into the
back seat and remained silent all the way to our grandparent’s
house... that was it... the divorce.. i was 6 and my brother
was 15 months younger... he didn’t seem to take it as
hard... but when she telephoned us at grams, she would never ask
to talk to him first, i had to prompt that... when she did talk to
him it was for a short time... i felt saddened by that... soon
after the D, my father met someone... his new fiancé got to see
my mom and john show up and grams with guns... my grandfather got
out his...i guess my mom was drugged out and stopped over
unannounced for a family visit? the next thing i knew, we
were leaving for florida... my grandparents (dad’s side) hated
mom, and my mom’s mom "mama" drove us like a bat out
of hell to our new destination...she was so angry the whole while
and cussing about her whore of a daughter... we had no idea we
were moving for good... the 7th year of my life in florida was the
hardest, i think... i was not allowed to ask questions about my
mom, write, call, or visit her... from 8-14 my memories are
sketchy... i had abandonment issues...when i turned 15, i was
allowed to visit her... all the horrible things i had heard about
her.. N lover (for marrying john), whore, druggie, that she hated
my brother and i...etc... i was a nervous wreck.. i thought the
meeting and stay at her house went well (although i had walked
right past her at the airport)...but... later i learned that she
had called back home to say that i was spoiled, lazy, rude, etc...
Spoiled? we were dirt poor, and if anything, i was Seriously
depressed... And i was on eggshells, which she misinterpreted ...
how could she label me- she didn’t know me!! i had only been at
her house for a week...i only saw mom a few times after that.. we
never hit it off.. she displayed symptoms of anxiety, depression,
and probably bpd, but when i tried to talk to her about this (save
the bpd which is a recent diagnosis) she responded with,
"nothing is wrong with ME... i am tired of reliving my
past...get over it" she did ask about my brother but he
wanted nothing to do with a N lover...plus i heard stories about
how she neglected him by leaving him sitting outside on the porch
in a thunder storm while she had sex with john at our house in
ohio...who knows what is true in my family--(i use that term
loosely) he was brainwashed and neglected and hurting and
Silent... my relationships with dad, step mom, brother,
grandfather and grandmother (dad’s side) and Mama were strained
at best... no one understood me- ever... i was called lazy,
spiteful, hateful, ignorant, and so forth... good support system,
right? no one suggested that i get help even when i was
anorexic- no one noticed that! i do not even know my
brother... he called a few months ago to tell me my Gram was very
ill... and i listened to his message but did not return the call..
she died and i have not cried... my grandfather died in 92,
and mama in 95 (?) i cannot mourn over people who treated me
badly...but if a friend’s pet dies, i cry like a baby... i have
great relationships with pets... personal r-ships have not
come easy.. i am moody, violent, intense, dislike being touched
sometimes, and require a lot of space...or i am insecure, and
needy... i have been in a same sex 4 year relationship that is not
trouble free.. i have bipolar, anxiety, ocd, borderline, and
all the other problems... now... it fits perfectly, and i
suspected it for some time... life has not been easy living like
this.. there is so much more, as you all can probably read between
the lines... i often get a longing to *go home* when i know there
is no home to go to.. hasn’t been since childhood ...my dad is
an alcoholic ... he cannot be around me... my mother is in denial
and blames me for.... what? asking questions? having some anger
towards the lack of nurturing, support, flexibility? well...
from coming here and reading everyone’s stories, little by
little, things fall into place a little more.. like how i was used
by my mother all along- a cover... how my father remarried so soon
and i was not given attention when i desperately needed
it-confusing times!! how my grandparents who raised me for a
while had the poorest of coping skills... how i was not ignorant,
and proved that in college... to myself anyway... how my anger was
from so many things, betrayal, abandonment, neglect, people
causing me to doubt my own perceptions... yet They Blamed Me!!
well, thank you for reading this... i hope you are all finding
ways to make yourselves happy... we missed out on soooo much
growing up.. it is time for US! |
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