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Confusion is the worst part. I never know what I really want in life, if I want what other people want for me, or what I think I want. My ideas and morals about everything change so drastically every hour. I will be so happy over nothing that I just don't know what to do with the euphoria, and then out of nowhere comes the black cloud of depression and its so deep that you feel you'll never find the rope to climb back out. People think they can help, but nobody will ever truly understand, how can they if even I don't? I'm only 15, and I find absolutely no hope for the future because I know that I will never feel one emotion for longer than a couple hours tops. I was sexually abused when I was very young by my uncle who I had to live with because my mother was off doing her thing with guys and drugs and couldn't take care of me. I looked so hard for acceptance from everyone to make up for what I lost with my mother. When I went back to her I was so angry...from the time I was 7 no kids my age ever wanted to be around me because I would have such bursts of rage I scared others as well as myself. I started doing drugs and having sex when I was 11 to let out my pain. Drugs gave me one emotion for a longer period of time and I always want to make other people happy, so I give guys what I know they want. But I really don't know what I want. I was put into psychiatric hospitals since I was 12 and was in a residential for a year and a half and got out this past December. I went home and my mother was once again with another guy...and I was hoping so desperately for stability for once. But I can't blame her...I started doing drugs again, especially heroin because I really wanted to die, I just didn't have the guts to do it right out besides slitting my wrists. I cut myself and I have so many scars, maybe I want them to show people how many scars are on the inside. I have lived with almost every member of my family, and they can't handle me because I can't even handle myself. I am now living with my grandparents in Florida and I am still acting out because I just don't understand anything about life or myself. I was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago, but it doesn't help anything except make me feel like a poster kid for medications. This is my last chance to get anywhere in life, but I still am so confused. I am so afraid of rejection, but mostly I am afraid of myself. Because I can never get my thoughts or emotions straight, they're always jumping around so much. And I can understand so many people in the world, the way they mask themselves from society and themselves and they build a wall to keep back their true emotions, but I have never found anybody who truly understands me. I hurt people constantly only so I have the peace of mind that I hurt them before they could hurt me, it gives me a pathetic ego boost. I can't say no to anything because I have no idea what I really want so I'm so influenced by everyone and everything else. The world is so bad off and people are so angry, and that makes me even more upset because I can't even understand myself so how can I understand the rest of society? I wonder 24 hours a day if I'll ever find happiness, if I'll ever find a means of escape from my own emotions and if I'm ever going to be safe from myself. People and psychiatrists say the only person who can help you is yourself, but how can I if I don't know anything about myself because I change so often? I will always be an outcast in society because nobody understands...not even me.
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