Story #30

The first time I ever began treatment with a therapist he used a term to describe or categorize me that frightened me, because it made it sound like I was someone who was about to snap. He said, "You have a borderline personality." In reply I remarked, "Okay? Now you're scaring me!" He really didn't have a handle on my particular dilemma, anyway. After using that term to describe me, he tried three or four others out on me. Early on we found it mutually satisfying to part company as therapist and patient. Since then my insurance changed and it does not cover therapy. What a therapist makes in one hour I make in one and a half days. There's no way I could afford therapy now.

Since that time with the therapist I haven't considered the term, Borderline Personality - that is until recently. I reconsidered it, because I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm 31 years old now and have been without a romantic relationship since I was 19 years old. I can't seem to form a romantic relationship with anyone, even though I'm a kind, healthy person with a good life. If you only knew how many times I've tried. If you only knew...

I've gone over the following types of thoughts a million times it seems. "Okay, I'm not uglier than that guy over there who has a girlfriend. I'm not shorter than that guy who is married. That guy there is in a relationship and he's only got one arm. I've got all mine, so what's the problem? I'm not fatter than that guy who is kissing that woman. I'm not smelly. I'm not unpleasant. I'm not unkind. I've got a great education and a good job. I've got a home and a car. I've got lots of friends. I've got a good family and have not been abused. But I know that women don't like nice guys. They like the bad boys, and I just can't be one. Nice guys finish last, but I know other nice guys with relationships. Nice guys may finish last, but they still finish. SO WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG???" Imagine going over these thoughts every day of your life for years and years and years.

What I could never reconcile about myself is that I'm blessed with lots of friends. These are not just casual, shallow friendships. These are good, rewarding and close friendships. So how could I be so messed up in love if I have such good friendships?

Even when I was in a relationship all those many years ago (and I only had two all my life and a one night stand), it was a nightmare. The insecurity I had was so bad that I was constantly worrying that she was cheating on me or that she would figure out that I had nothing to offer her and she'd up and leave.

I always thought I was cursed, that I did something horribly wrong in this life or perhaps a past one to bring bad luck on me for eternity. At the times when I was inclined to believe in God, I was angry at him and cursed his (and my) existence. When I didn't believe in God, I was still mad at him! The same goes for my parents. I thought, "Why could my parents think of having kids when they would obviously turn out a kid just as physically inadequate as they were?" Still I believe I live a cursed existence. Old thoughts die hard.

I was horribly depressed and angry for all my life. Suicide? It seemed attractive several times. Anything to escape the pain and emptiness. Desperation? A constant. I'm a little better now, but far from right.

Without a therapist to assist me I figured I'd look up the diagnosis for Borderline Personality Disorder. Man, how I hate that term! They've got to rename it soon. I even took an online diagnosis test and came out as borderline with flying colors. I especially hate the term now that it seems it may apply to me.

My impulses that I can't contain all the time are driving fast and eating a lot. My depression is deep and the pain is even deeper. The emptiness still more profound than these. The anger has went away over the past few years and that is some relief. In public I'm usually an actor, behaving as if I were happy and have it all together. In private an inwardly I am a swarming hive of nerves and doubt.

So what now? Labeling myself with this term doesn't help me at all. I still can't afford therapy to see if it's the right term or not. Even under treatment I would not take medication. I'm against that. It doesn't help to find out that therapists usually have a hard time treating borderlines. It just makes me more reluctant to see a therapist for fear that I would be a nuisance to him or her. I wouldn't even mention my suicidal thoughts for fear that they would have me hauled away and it would ruin my career. There's a huge difference between wanting to die and trying to die.

Abandonment and being cheated on are my worst fears. Coming in second is rejection. I think this stems from my childhood when I, as the youngest of three children, was the one who discovered that my mother was cheating on my dad. Imagine being in tears at eleven years old having to break the news to your dad that your mother is sleeping around on him. I was also a very obese child and that has a very negative effect on my self image and self esteem. Winning bodybuilding contests as a young adult didn't do a thing to enhance my self esteem.

I'm shell shocked from a lifetime of rejection from women and I recently got shot down again. Hope seems to be a burden sometimes, because it just sets me up for rejection again and again. I'm a nervous wreck around women. A friend whom I confide in about my lack of a relationship believes that women can sense this uneasiness and it makes them uneasy as well. Maybe so. Still there's no end in sight to my problem. It just goes on and on, near miss after near miss, forever.

Thank you for letting me spill. At least this is come consolation.