Story #35

I feel like I've come home.

I've struggled all my life with being different. I'm 56 and finally, I think I've discovered what is wrong with me.

I've always been different - still am - and I could never figure out why people hated me on sight. I try to be nice, but the only people who were nice back were those who pick up stray dogs and stray people and "love" them for their own selfish reasons "See what I did, I saved you and now look what you've done to me" - I had lots of those kind of "friends." I finally cleared them all out of my life and now I'm left alone most of the time, but at least free of the hassles of "friendship."

When did this all start? I'm not sure, but I had a very high fever when I was a child and I when I remember that illness, it's always from somewhere near the ceiling. I can see my parents working over me trying to get my fever to break. I survived, but I think my life changed in those moments.

Lets go down the criteria for BPD:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment - my ex-husband was the worst possible mate for me, yet I pursued him long after he left me and long after he had established a relationship with someone else. I made all kinds of excuses for my behavior, and he (probably BPD also) would feed me just enough line to keep me coming back. I had many "imaginary" lovers as well, and I fanaticized them finally joining me in reality and then leaving me. Ah the agony! I always felt left out - when I was about 7, a girl from school offered me a ride with her mother. There were 4 other girls in the car too. The mother stopped at an ice cream stand and bought all of them a cone, but not me. I knew in that moment that I was crap. I still feel the sting 50 years later. I died a bit inside every time I was the last one picked for baseball or when Santa called my name last.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. Where do I start. I don't recall any relationship, whether it's the paperboy, the coffee lady at work, my husband, kids, siblings, parents, that I didn't idolize one day and despise the next. Well maybe not the next exactly, but it never took long. When I first saw the book, "I Hate you, Don't Leave Me" I didn't need to read it, I already knew I could have written it. (It's on my book list by the way)

3. Identity disturbances: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. I don't even know what this one means - in order to understand it, I would have to have some concept of its opposite. How can I describe the "fractured" image I've had of myself. Until I started reading this stuff on BPD, I didn't know that how I always thought of myself was different. I thought everyone had this same disjointed sense of themselves. I had no sense that I could influence my own life. I've been accused of being arrogant - thinking I was above the law or the rules. Not so. I thought so little of myself that I didn't think I mattered enough to have the rules apply to me. Does that make sense?

4. Impulsively in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Does all of them count? Let's see.

Spending. I declared personal bankruptcy 12 years ago, I refinance every few months trying to keep ahead of the bills. So far, I've managed to keep them all paid, but my whole paycheck goes to paying bills. Then I have to scrape to eat. I'm probably going to be offered retirement in a couple of years - if I work the rest of my life, I still won't be able to pay it all off - and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to will myself to stop spending.

Sex. From a very early age, I remember having the need to pleasure myself and when I finally got a man to screw me, I was hooked. I'd sleep with anybody who would have me. Sleeping around wasn't self-destructive enough, I had a twisted moral sense that using protection meant that I had "planned" the episode (this was in the early '60's remember) Well, my moral sense was satisfied, but by not planning, I gave birth to 4 illegitimate children by 4 different men. I gave 2 of the children up for adoption and raised the other two. Except for the last one who later became my husband, all the men disappeared pretty soon when they found out I was pregnant. After my husband left me and moved in with someone else, I still encouraged him to share my bed whenever he could get away. My lovers rarely wanted my company in the early part of the evening but would call me when they realized they weren't having any luck in the bar. If I'd had a better sense of myself, I would have at least charged them and helped with my spending (that was a joke)

Substance abuse. I drank like a fish - I never tried to stop because I like being drunk. It gave me a bit of freedom from my ugly personality and made me more acceptable. Probably the fact that I was always willing to buy the liquor helped with my acceptance (see spending above) I finally quit drinking when my youngest child was a baby. My husband would no longer share his liquor with me (he needed it all to feed his own hunger). After stopping drinking, I turned to prescription drugs. Drugs were free under our government drug plan and my doctor never caught on that I was in his office nearly every week with some complaint or other. The pills that had some effect I took, the rest I threw away. The government's free drug plan eventually ran out of money - I feel a bit of guilt for the part I played in it.

Reckless driving. Does chasing a car at high speeds through a residential neighborhood with my sister and our three children in the car count? The other driver cut me off at an intersection or I imagined he did. Space doesn't allow me to describe all the reckless driving that I've done.

Binge eating. Well, I haven't binged and purged, but I've sat and eaten a whole chocolate cake by myself. I used to buy some odd flavor of ice cream so nobody else would eat it and I could have it all for myself. I would keep baking in the freezer and then eat it frozen not wanting to wait for it to thaw out. I can't stand to eat in front of others because they would be aghast at what I'm eating, and I would be ashamed to show them. I've kept shoveling food into my mouth when my stomach is protesting and unswallowing it. I was once caught with a bag of chocolate on my desk and a co-worker reached for a chunk. I reacted and slapped her hand. I'll never forget her stunned reaction. I get anxious if it's my "snack" time and someone else is here - that means I have to eat sensibly and can't have a triple serving of ice cream or cake.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. Suicidal. Constant thoughts of suicide and two serious attempts. Once after a couple of years on some anti-depressant when I had surgery and had to go off them cold-turkey. I came home from the hospital, had a row with my father-in-law and then locked myself in the bedroom and swallowed a whole bottle of pills. When I asked my husband why he didn't take me to the hospital, he said "you were trying to kill yourself, why would I try to stop you." He left within a week. I never tried again, but the thought was always with me. Eventually I realized that I didn't want to be dead, I just didn't want to live like that any more.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) Well here's where I deviate from the "norm." If that said "rare episodes of happiness rarely lasting more than a few minutes" I'd fit right in. I once told a doctor that I'd been depressed all my life and he said that was impossible - hah! what does he know. I've also been diagnosed with Bipolar and chronic depression, so that could account for some of the dysphoria.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. Words fail me. I don't know how to describe this gut-wrenching feeling. We recently had a mini family reunion of my siblings and as I sat with them listening to them reminisce, I had the oddest feeling that I was eavesdropping on some other family. I couldn't relate to them at all. They all seem to love and admire each other - I don't even know them. Love? what's that.

8. Inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) It would take less space to tell you about the few times when I wasn't angry. I can get in a rage over the slightest thing and it lasts for hours and sometimes days. Just the other day, I had a fight with a manager and had to take a couple of days off work to cool down. Even after a few days, I found myself in such a rage that had he been present, I would have ripped his face off. I used to feel justified in this anger, but now it scares me. Does that mean I'm getting better? Only fear and common sense have kept me from physical fights, although I had my share when I was younger and more agile. 

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. Paranoid I can sure relate to. My name was omitted from the invitation list for an important meeting and I raised such a stink about it, that I'm not sure I have a job to go back to. Even now, I'm sure it was a deliberate slight, even though I also think that none of the individuals involved are capable of forming a plan, let alone conspire to deliberately harm me. Dissociative symptoms - not in the sense of having other personalities, but I often just "disappear" sometimes for several minutes. I think my body stays where it is, but I'm not in it. I once blacked out during a job interview for a promotion. I was too embarrassed to ask what I said, but needless to say, I didn't get the job and from the snickers of my co-workers, I gather that I put on quite a display. I often black out in meetings, and when I come too, I create some kind of disturbance until I can once again wrap my mind around the topic at hand.

Well that should convince my pdoc. As I said earlier, I've been diagnosed with bipolar and on meds for it. The meds seem to be working, but I still think I could be doing better than I am. It's been about a year and a half on these meds. I think it's time for a change - and I need to pursue this idea of BPD. As Dr. Heller says, we need all the diagnoses and we need to have them all treated. 

Writing this all down has been very therapeutic for me. Having the diagnostic criteria to refer to has made it easier and all your stories gave me the courage to attempt it. Thank you for being here.