Story #40

I am 29 years old and a mother of 3 I've been divorced for 6 years. I cant remember a time in my childhood where it was ever happy my Mom gave me to my great grandmother at 2 days old my mom herself was mentally ill, as a matter of fact her and my father met in a state metal hospital, she was a mess while I was growing up she gave all her children away. I don't even understand why she had us, I was pretty lucky because I had my nanny but my brothers where not so lucky my one brother was put in a children's home and raped his whole life by the workers. he eventually went nuts and got hooked on heroin and got murdered at 27.

Which brings me to my first episode with my illness. I still remember the day, as if it where yesterday I went to take a nap and when I woke up my whole life changed from that moment on, I think I must have had a dream that triggered some unconscious state in my memory. It would take me many years to get to the bottom of this and it robed me of 5 years of my life and my marriage. I really could never pin point what was wrong with me I just knew I wasn't the same anymore I was empty inside alone no matter who was around. I was emotionally unavailable for me kid ( I only had 1 at the time and pregnant with my second) My mind was constantly racing with thoughts that made no since. Just constant bad feelings I wanted to die the only relief I had was when I would bite my arm and at that time I had never herd of people who harmed themselves for relief of inner pain I never cut I just bit until I would bleed, but for that one second I was normal sounds pretty nuts huh...I tried to tell my husband but he said get over it you where a kid as matter of fact I tried to talk to my mom and she said the same thing I would come to find out 2 years later that the dream that I had was about abuse I had endured, (It took hypnosis to figure out)

When I was 4 my mom and step dad lost there house which happened all the time because he would drink all their money, anyhow she came to stay with me and nanny and went into one of her spells where she would pull her hair out and bang her head into the wall or window and cut her arms all up by punching through the windows. anyway she put me in the children's home and I was rapped by 2 of the workers it is pretty horrible so I will not explain the event that took place that day but it ruined me. and now looking back the signs where all there.

At 12 the state made me go live with my Mom and step- dad and I was brutally beat and emotionally abused until I was 15 then I meet my ex- husband and moved out only to get pregnant at 16, then when I was 19 I was raped by my best friend boyfriend and I never told her I just thought she would think it was my fault so I never said a word. god I can just go on and on and I still haven't got to the bpd, maybe I should just write a book! Well I just want all of you out there to know that it can get better if you really try and be completely honest with your therapist and yourself. I still have very bad days but they a few and far between the nightmare are still there once and a while but I get through it. The only problem I still have is trying to fit in with others I am very pretty and have been popular my whole life according to the way it looks to everyone else but on the inside I am still a misfit I cannot keep friend and still can put on a mask for any situation I just want to be one, me, just me but who am I? It sucks because I can be anyone I want smart, mean, tough ,nice ,ugly ,sweet ,or a total bitch ,I can be a liar or a thief its like 10 people in me but yet I know i'm not multiple personality! at any given point I can switch and I hate it I just want to be me. Until know I never even knew anyone else had this illness and now I don't feel so all alone but I still don't know anyone personally to talk with that would understand me.

and we have no support groups here and I can not find a therapist who will deal with a borderline, i've basically worked threw allot of my issues but I still need help!! I hope some one can relate to me and maybe gain some hope from me I am doing pretty good for the most part and have a very good relationship with my children I wish I could go on because there is so much more to tell but I don't have the time. good luck to all