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My story starts out young, as I promised myself I would remember everything. I knew I wasn't crazy when I was a kid, but my family tried to make me believe that I was. My parents were never happy with each other. My mother got pregnant with my sister and had to marry my father. She resented being his wife and being our mother. She always said she hated kids. I always wondered "why didn't she give us up for an adoption or have an abortion"? I felt like I was the cause of her unhappiness. My mother had an alcoholic mother who lived upstairs. My grandmother suffered from alcoholism and depression. I remember seeing her depressed when I was a kid, but I couldn't do anything to save her. She starved herself to death when I was 12. My father never wanted anything to do with us kids. He wanted me to be a boy. they even painted my room blue. While I was in the first grade, I had an abusive teacher. I had started school when I was four, and think that I wasn't ready emotionally for it. I suffered from a learning disability and had to be transferred to a new school with new kids. I had special educations teachers up until the 4th grade. I never fit in. I was the misfit. I was stupid, ugly, nerdy, gross etc. and often teased. I had no release from the teasing when I came home, as I was emotionally, mentally, and physically abused by my family.. I was always overly sensitive. Cry at the drop of a hat. They sensed this and would have fun with it. They would tease and taunt me and laugh at me when I would punch myself in the face. They would call me a moron and a fool. When I brought my homework home to ask for some help--I was a moron, idiot, stupid--according to my father. My mother would says things like "you make me sick" "I wish I never had you" "you are crazy" I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I had wished that I was never born. I was the cause of everyone's unhappiness. I had a sister who was 4 years older than me and she didn't
like me either. She used to beat me up, and my mother would give
her permission to do so. I had no one to protect me. As far as 8
years old, I remember thinking of ways to kill myself and end the
pain and misery. I tried hanging myself with bed sheets on the
closet door, but I would stop because I got scared. When I was old enough to date--14, I jumped into a
relationship. He was my night in shining armor. But, I felt like I
didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve to be loved. When my parents
tried to prevent us from seeing each other, I took a bottle of
pills. My mother had to go to work, and was mad that I did this,
because she had to leave. My father was mad, because he was in the
middle of a Football game. They made me vomit up the pills. The
next relationship was for 3 and a half years- He was physically
abusive towards me and cheated on me. I didn't think I would find
anyone better. I had fears of abandonment. If he doesn't love
me-then I am nothing. He dumped me for someone else and I began
starving myself and cut my arm with a knife. Then I became
promiscuous. Looking for attention anywhere I could find it. I
manipulated people with sex. At least someone knew I was alive at
that of moment of having sex. I decided that I would be good at
sex, because that was all that I was worth. I ended up being
pregnant three times with all of them ending in abortions. Almost
every relationship I got involved in had to do with my partner
being an alcoholic. For some reason, I am a caregiver. I nurture
people, and forget about my needs. If I have a good relationship
going on, I ruin it on purpose. I sabotage good things. I got into
drinking in my early 20's and had a problem with it. I attended
AA. I've attended Alanon too, as my mother is an alcoholic.
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