Story #46

When I was in my twenties, I went into therapy because I was having horrible memories of being sexually abused as a child, and I didn't know what to make of them. I found a very good therapist and worked on my issues. Years later, while reading a book about trauma and treatment, I realized that my therapist had been treating me for Borderline Personality Disorder. I had every symptom: fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, black and white thinking, dysphoria, high risk behavior, unstable relationships, suicidal thoughts. The only thing I didn't have was mutilation. I never cut myself.

For five years, I went to therapy. God, my therapist was patient. She tactfully and carefully brought to my attention all the aspects of my disorder and helped me lift them from my personality. Instead of dating men who were in trouble with the law, I decided not to date at all. I decided to be alone-- dateless, for the first time in my life. I started building life-long friendships. I stopped having meaningless sex. I started thinking about what kind of life I wanted.


A year later, I met my husband. We fell in love and got engaged one year later. I decided to take the plunge and move where I'd always wanted to live -- near the ocean. We got married a year later and moved to the place of our dreams. It was hard to leave my therapist. She was so helpful. I knew my therapy wasn't over. I knew I had to continue, because I knew I still had residue of borderline personality.


It took a long time to find a therapist in my new home. Three years! But I have found one who specializes in trauma, and I am dealing with the more painful aspects of the sexual abuse now. One thing that I also have is somatic disorder-- I have actual physical pain which cannot be medically diagnosed -- it is psychosomatic. I have learned that I have it to repress my rage. As I express my anger safely in therapy, the pain becomes less.


Here's the thing. I saw a show on PBS today about Borderline Personality Disorder. I recognized myself so much. But I realized that I have gotten beyond so many of the aspects of it. I now have stable relationships. The dysphoria is cut down by about 80%. I am having a stable marriage. I enjoy spending large amounts of time alone. I haven't had a suicidal thought in years. I'm not perfectly cured. But I've made a life for myself. It's not a perfect one. But it's a good one, and it's a whole lot more than I had before.

I don't know what the clinical outlook on this is, but I really feel that this thing is not a life sentence. I think it's something that happens to us, but it's not who we are. I think there's hope after all.