Story #50

I'm a 43 year old female diagnosed BPD 16 years ago. Having read several letters by other BPD's I feel compelled to tell at least part of my story. I went through the childhood sexual and emotional trauma of many BPD's. Though never having had an official diagnosis (to my knowledge) prior to 16 yrs ago, I had been in and out of treatment much of my adult life to no avail. For me the diagnosis was liberating. I had a name for all the craziness. 

I've been fortunate, an excellent therapist who has seen me through the years of abusive and destructive behaviors. A husband of 21 years, whose co-dependency actually ended up being helpful, and kept us together until we could both grow and change. The scars from cutting are faded and white and most people don't even notice them. I haven't OD'd or been hospitalized in almost 10 years, though for a while if felt like I lived in the hospital and visited home. I have 5 beautiful children. The older ones have recovered from the abuse I heaved on them as small children. They know that they have to be wary of their mental health because I have a strong incidence of mental illness and suicide in my family. But they know how to feel and express it. Something I had to wait to adulthood to learn.

I still take medication. I'm still in therapy 2-3 times/ week. It's expensive with the limitations of insurance (a whole different form of abuse), but we made the decision to sacrifice many things so that I could stay alive. I reached a crisis point where that was the ultimate decision. Stay alive and work to get better, or give in to the urge to end it. Staying alive and not changing wasn't an option, it was no longer bearable. When I made that decision, things changed. It's been incredibly difficult, and I'm not symptomless. I just have learned to live with my limitations and to respect them. I have abandoned religion, a great source of my self deprecation. I have learned to trust my instincts (not my impulses). If there's a god, I'll deal with it when I have to. Till then, there's life to be dealt with, not afterlife.

I'm learning so much, I feel like a child in many respects, a healthy child that I parent myself. In other ways I've never been more adult. I feel a sensuality and an appreciation for my body that I never thought possible. I have the body of a 43 year old woman who has had 5 children, and it doesn't look like my 18 yr old's, and yet I'm learning to see and appreciate the beauty of it. I still rely heavily on therapy and the routine of it and the feedback, and the grounding influence it has on my life, but I have learned to work there. I have learned to cut through the crap. I've learned to be honest about what's happening and what I feel and not to hold back important information. I've learned to accept criticism without feeling totally devastated by it. I've learned to trust. I've learned that understanding is important. That if I have a deep understanding about what's happening, change happens automatically, I don't have to DO anything, just be aware and the choices I make based on my understanding lead me in the right direction.

All I'm saying, I guess, is this: Borderline's seem to be intelligent people. Our minds have the healing elements inside. There is hope. It requires diligence, but if you are ready for the change, the resources will come to you. There are no quick fixes. It will be your job the rest of your life to be healthy. But, as with any job, the longer you do it the easier it becomes. You become familiar with what is required. Good luck on your journey, the rewards are in the traveling well, not the final destination.