Mania I - Rage

(THE "NO FUN MANIA")

I am just (hopefully) coming out of a manic "rage" where I just scared the heck out of my husband and cats, so I thought I would make use of this experience and share it. As if many of you haven't had enough of your own manic experiences.

Personally I do better with a very small dose of a neuroleptic and I am in the midst of going off one and adding a new one - Geodon, the new one I recently spoke of that causes no weight gain and supposedly brings on little somnolence. Many of you can already predict a problem arising, changing from one medication to another.

For the last several days I have felt some insomnia, anxiety, edginess, etc. It seems I was always in a habit for reaching for the phone to my prescriber and this time I thought "I never give myself enough time to allow my body to get used to the changes so I am going to do that this time." 

Initially I didn't take any different medication. Finally I did take a little extra Klonopin, my nightly benzodiazepine but it just didn't do the job and last night was a terror going to sleep at 9 PM and waking up at 1:30 AM.

A short while ago (it is now 10:11 P.M.) I just put my husband through my usually verbal terror routine that takes place shortly before I throw something at him "that he certainly deserves." This time it was an empty chili bowl, with a little bit of chili left. It never hurts him but of course it is terribly insulting and always crosses his boundaries terribly. Of course the cats scatter immediately as the bowl flies and my voice carries across the room. Kind of interesting as when my voice gets louder it gets higher and I have been called "Minnie Mouse."

However, if you find me truly in a fully blown mania, my voice is not in the "Minnie Mouse" mode. Somehow it goes deep, quieter, more serious and my presence is described as extremely frightening. When I am in this mode, I am in a very serious, "I'll tear you to pieces if you cross me" attitude. 

In full blown mania, I am somehow invincible and no one, no how will get the better of me. The way I carry myself is one of "I don't give a "f" about anyone, so don't "f" with me." The trouble is, is that this attitude is most serious. 

I am King of the World, no, not Queen, I said KING and I experience a feeling of extreme power within. Wherever I am in the world during this manic episode could create problems. For instance, I used to live next to a Catholic Church and I would become very angry when any of their members would park directly in back of my driveway in back of my car during Sunday Mass and I could not leave my house. Two times I went over to the church so angry I told the people I was going to walk into the middle of the mass and make my own announcement of the car in my driveway as I could not leave my house if they did not take care of it immediately.  I had the guts to do it. Both times they took action and removed the cars.

My ex boyfriend refused to give me my lawn mower back until he decided he was done with it so he locked it up in his shed. Wrong move. That shed door came down and back my lawn mower came. Sounds like some BPD mixed into that too, huh?

One day my girlfriend and I were having lunch in CA at a fast food restaurant when somebody from somewhere decided they wanted to take our lunch time and take a survey. Did they get a survey from us? Nope. My girlfriend even flinched when she saw the survey person coming because she knew me. The survey person just got a lecture on how rude it was to disturb someone's lunch and take up people's time.

Sounds like I was really on top and in charge right? Nope. Sounds like somebody with problems to me.

Not too, too long ago, I got into a really big manic state and my husband said something really not nice. It was pretty bad actually but most folks don't walk over to a ceramic lamp (it was ugly), turn it upside down, take the lamp shade off, twist the bulb off and hit the ceramic lamp on the table only to see it shatter across the living room and feel like it was no big deal.

Now my husband and I have an agreement that if I have a manic episode that he is to call 911. He called right away. I figured I should just go see my cousin and though my husband assured the police I was fine I got tired of waiting for the phone and I hung up the phone and tried to call my cousin and she wasn't home. 

I was not aware the police had to come out anyway. They kept calling back.

Though I was calm, and watching TV trying to calm down, three female police came in and I was extremely angry, though quiet. They all stared at me and looked at the lamp. Immediately without realizing it I went into my quiet, deep toned voice, very angry, yet I had a large presence and I made it very clear to them that I had a right to break my own lamp and I had no hurt anyone and was a danger to no one and ordered them to immediately leave my home. There was no yelling, only strong quiet orders. They said they could not go. So I upped my statements and ordered them to go. This time I was very surprised that female one cop stepped back. It was not my desire to scare anyone. It never was. It was my desire to get them out and I had no desire to give any of them my time. I almost got up and got in their face. THAT is how bad my mania was. THIS is NOT my personality!!!! This is NOT Patty Fleener. Does this make sense???

I would never have ever hurt anyone but my husband said they would probably have maced me by being so close to them. That shocked me. I have never even considered hurting anyone physically.

TWO PARTS TO ME

The healthy non bipolar part of me wants to be in touch with the higher self as much as I can and have a very difficult time accepting the other part of me.

WHILE MANIC: The other part of me (when I am MANIC) is PROUD that I got that police person to back up. When I am manic I am NEVER trying to scare people but when I do I am glad. I am KING and I am the top, the best, the smartest. No one can hurt me. I am simply too smart to be hurt by others who are just not as smart as I. I do not like people while manic. They are just a pain in the caboose so there is no reason to bother. I am definitely more moral than others. Yet, my husband feels I channel my anti social grandfather while manic. I could pass for an anti social personality disorder person while manic but I am not in real life.

I scare people horribly and I do feel guilty for it when I'm in a mixed episode. I am able to apologize while manic. I scream a lot and my brain works much too fast and it can be scary. When it goes to fast it is scary to be alone.

I get very paranoid when terribly manic and think people are saying bad things about me, etc. My cognitive skills get distorted.

I feel a lot of guilt for scaring everyone during this time and say I am sorry a lot.

I am not sure who in my family history has mania and who doesn't but I do know that when I am in full blown mania I know my grandfather would have been proud of me and I think I mirrored my dad at an earlier age. 

My grandfather told me once when I was sick going to see a Dr. "If he doesn't help you, clear his desk and that will get his attention."

MY ADVICE FOR FAMILY OF BIPOLARS IN MANIA

If your loved one is highly manic: if they are in danger of personal harm, call 911 and then get to safety yourself.

If they are not a danger to themselves and you can't help them and you are afraid, leave!!

If you think you can reason with them during a highly manic bipolar I episode, think again! Number one, they are probably thinking they are better than you right now and know what's best for them. Number two, they are completely out of control.

One thing that is important for families to know. If you are wondering if your loved one's personality during mania is the real personality, the answer is NO. You are only seeing symptoms of a disorder. This disorder is treatable and they can be in remission for many years. Keep the faith!

The bad part however about having the bipolar disorder is that we have a difficult time being allowed normal anger. When we show "normal anger," many times we are accused of "going into a rage." Those around us have been conditioned to look for those red flags and as a result we have a difficult time expressing normal anger. However I can't blame those around us.

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