Q. I searched your archives but couldn't find a question that addressed the difference between a narcissistic personality and a borderline. I have a friend who is in real pain because of abandonment issues from being adopted into a non-loving family. He is struggling severely with fears of being alone. He sabotages relationships just when someone gets close to him. He's extremely emotional, has very effeminate characteristics, but is definitely not gay. He's very successful, but very angry at his wife for not meeting all of his needs. I know you can't diagnose him, but would he be more of a borderline with narcissistic issues too? What book should I read to better understand how to be a good friend and not take his stuff personally?

A. I do not know of any books to refer to you for reference, albeit I am sure someone has written a good one somewhere. BPD and Narcissism frequently co-occur. Kind of like having diarrhea and a fever with the flu. Both are symptoms of the same disease. You might want to start reading the DSM-IV definitions of the illness, and the illustrative examples in the book.