Q. I am female and only 16 years of age, but I have a lot of queries in which I would like answers. I have not been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at all, currently...I think I am to young to even be labeled that anyway!

I have been looking for a cause of problems in which I have been suffering for the past 5 years and I feel I have no diagnosis to fit all my symptoms. Previously, I have been diagnosed with depression, GAD, social phobia, panic disorder, Raynauds Phenomenon, IBS, Fibromyalgia, Insomnia, Bulimia, Migraines, and Manic Depression. I have been on Tryptanol, Epilim, Prozac, Zoloft and Deseril...they are the ones I can recall being on. I have had these tests performed, Brain scan, x-ray of lower back, scan of back, ultrasound on lower abdomen, ultrasound on upper abdomen, Thyroid function tests, diabetes tests, iron-defiency tests and numerous other blood tests that I can not remember what for now! The only thing I have ever been certain to have is slip discs in my back!!! At the moment I am being treated for Major Depression/ Panic Disorder. I am only on Zoloft.

Here is a summary of my symptoms. Note: some of them I have great difficulty trying to describe so bare with me:)

Physical
* frequent Gall bladder pains
* frequent kidney/ bladder infections
* severe PMS
* IBS-like symptoms (eg. indigestion, bloating, cramps/pain, flatulence, alternating between constipation/ diarrhea, freq. nausea)
* sever back pain
* kidney pains
* frequent migraines/headaches
* sizzling sound/feeling in my head
* pain in the back of my eyes
* ankle pain
* right shoulder pain
* pain in neck...burning-type of feeling that makes a saliva-like substance secrete
* inability to fall asleep
* restless sleep when I get to sleep (jump up during the night, have nightmares, night sweats)
* trouble controlling bladder
* wrist pain sometimes (when my pulse is racing)
* pain that rushes down legs (I think that is caused by the slip discs though)
* I get this thing that I can only describe as a wave of heat passing through my body
* shaky hands
* sometimes my body starts shaking for no apparent reason....there is no anxiety, coldness, etc)
* intolerance to cold
* freq. ringing ears, and often I feel like one ear is blocked
* heart palpitations/ chest pain
* clammy hands
* frequent feelings of dizziness
* I feel as if I'm floating sometimes or sometimes I feel like I'm sinking into the floor!

Behavior
* frequent outbursts of Anger, Irritation (is uncontrollable)
* can swap moods without minutes...going from hyperactive to miserable to aggressive all in minutes/hours
* shoplift often (not as peer pressure or anything like that; I do it alone)
* alcohol problem (drink anything I can find in order to calm me down)
* suicidal thoughts/ behavior ( attempt to kill myself often by: throwing myself in front of cars, knocking my arms/legs through windows, take numerous amounts of prescribed/non prescribed medication in order to overdose myself)
* often depressed; anxious
* binge eat
* restless; always have to be doing something (then when I am, I begin and then fly to something else, never completing anything)
* very forgetful
* keep dropping out of schools, part-time jobs and frequently feel like I need to move houses because I become bored of the same thing quickly. (always feeling bored)

Emotional
* extremely sensitive to rejection (causing me to avoid several situations with social impacts).
* think situations to be either great or horrible, nothing in between
* consider people as either winners or losers, good or evil.
* people either hate me or love me...there are now in betweens
* can't remember loved ones show of affection when they are away...start to think that they hated me when they don't
* recall situations differently from others
* can never keep a relationship going, one second I hate the person, the next I am so attached to them ( I am always picking fights when things are going great)
* I always say to my social worker that I feel lost, like a part of me is empty and I can't fill it..its too complicated to explain for me.

Here is something I wrote to my social worker about my mind:

' My mind is a conundrum of personalities. I move from one straw to the next. My consciousness has no control over these at all, for it is in the depths of my unconscious mind. Where do they come from? You tell me, because I have no logical answer. It seems, when I become close to someone, like my brain is injected with chemicals, these substances make my mind turn into a clone of the person that gave them to me. However, IF I am away from that person, its like the chemical is secreted from my brain and another is injected with the next person I share a close relationship with. ( I want what the other person wants in life, etc.). When I am the real me, whatever that may be...a good thing, an evil thing, I can't say. I like one half, but when the other half releases itself, it is a nightmare! As much as I want to hold it back, it has force that I can not control. Things get weird. I am screaming for help on the inside, but all that desperses is an aggressive, argumentative, irritable self. I charge at almost anyone (mostly those closest to me)...I am a bull, and people near I see as the Matadors Cloak. No matter how many chains and cages I rap this bull in...its power proves overwhelming...there is NO barrier for this creature.

So, I let the bull chase as many Matadors Cloaks as it desires. Sometimes, the eagle (the better half) soars away from the Bull and realms the power of my thoughts and actions, only to plummet to the ground after seeing the affect the bull has already had...it lands into a pool of water, drowning...I am crying, wishing to die. This bull, I hate it. Its impacts, its everything. If there were no Matadors Cloaks (people) then, at least the bull couldn't torment their souls, but that isn't possible...however, it will ALWAYS torment mine.'

I have been to a heap of counselors, support groups, shrinks, neurologist, gastroenterologist, social workers, psychiatrists yet no action has proved to be beneficial. Many of the counselors I got close to didn't believe things that those friends/family members shared about my outbursts of behavior...even when I tried to mention that my anger got out of control...just because I had been able to keep a stable connection during sessions.

I am on no drugs which could cause some/most of these symptoms (eg. cocaine, heroin, marijuana) and I haven't been previously before you comment on that in your reply:)

I am so thankful I came across this website...I was just looking to see what BPD is all about because a friend of a friend of mine had just broken up with someone (they are about 28) and they mentioned that it was because the partner had BPD...THEN, when I started reading some of the descriptions on this site I almost feel over backwards!!! However, physical symptoms don't seem to be much part of BPD, so that's where I think I don't have it. None of my doctors, specialists or counselors have mentioned this condition to me.

In conclusion, just looking over my notes above, what are your opinions on what you think may be causing everything? How much of this do you have a feeling is hormonal (normal because of adolescence)? Do you think that it is possible that BPD could be a part of my case? Please give your opinions because I am so frustrated about trying to help myself hen no one else is trying to help me, they think most things are in my head. This is the BEST description I have wrote to describe what is going on with me. Please answer and don't just say you think I should see a professional in my area, that's what they always say:) I want some opinions with it too! I am still seeing my social worker and a psychologist monthly.

A. I appreciate how poorly you must feel and how the disorder is impacting on your life. You need to look at the symptoms as all being part of the same illness. Since you do not like or want them, if they were under volitional control you would discard them, just as you did wetting your pants as a child. You cannot control them because they are chemical, like a fever with a flu.

The anxiety, somatic complaints, depression, etc., are all symptoms of a single illness. If you get it treated effectively, your illness will begin to clear up. There will be rapid reductions or elimination of somatic complaints, and suicidality will rapidly fade. It will, however, take time for you to get your life back on track, and that is where the therapy is useful. Read this site for medications and appropriate dosages.