Q. My 16 year old daughter has been friends with a girl for almost 1 year. About 2 months into their friendship I started to feel that something wasn't quite right with her. She seemed to be trying to isolate my daughter from her other friends and was extremely possessive. She would get angry with my daughter if she started talking to any boys or went out with them. She called our house several times at all hours saying she was going to kill herself or run away from home. She wrote my daughter notes telling her how pretty she was and how good she felt to be with her and that nobody understood her like she did.

My daughter was already seeing a therapist regarding her difficulty in adjusting to high school. When I mentioned the problems I was seeing with this girl the therapist said that I should just make her monitor the situation and it would be very interesting to see how this girl reacts should my daughter get a boyfriend.

Well, it has been almost 9 months since then and this girl has almost destroyed the relationship that my daughter and I have had. Recently I confronted my daughter about my obsession with this girls obsession of her and she tells me that this girl is romantically interested in my daughter and that they have had a "thing". My reply is that I felt that this girl stalked, manipulated, and seduced my daughter. I have now gotten to the point that I am so mad that I no longer care anymore who I hurt or what I say about this situation. I have forbidden my daughter to see this girl and of course she is back seeing her therapist. I am now seeing a therapist as well since I am having a very difficult time handling this problem. My daughter and I are fighting constantly and she no longer cares about school.

I discussed this girl with the therapist and told her about the notes and e-mails she sends my daughter. She told me that this girl is a classic "BPD" and that she should have no contact with her at all!

My question is this:
How do I get my daughter to see that she has been manipulated into this situation and see how dangerous this girl is?

  A. . This is a sad situation. Your posed question is, unfortunately, unanswerable. What you are really asking me is how can you provide insight to your daughter. That is what I try to do every day with every patient I see. Some patients see what you are driving at more easily than others. Some do not see what I am trying to show at all. Each individual sees the world in a slightly different way. Thus, they need to be instructed in different ways. Even then, they may get a different message then the one I am trying to deliver. Look at democrats and republicans. Each wants what they think is best, but they have very different understandings of how the country should work.

The best thing you can hope for is that your daughter has a good relationship with her therapist, and will learn from the therapist. You also need a therapist that has his or her head on right, so that your daughter is not just having her aberrant behaviors justified. Many therapists understand the pathology, but they just explore feelings. This is not to the child's benefit. The child needs to be shown how life really is. You need a therapist that will say, "It is a difficult situation, but if you do not change, you are hurting yourself. Here is what is wrong (this can take a few months) and here is what you need to do because this is how the rest of the world works, and your life will be better if you do things this way." Very concrete way of doing therapy, but you spend three years discussing feelings, high school is over and she is that much further behind in school and social behaviors. She needs a good cognitive therapist to do as well as she can.

Therapy alone may not do it. She can have her own biochemical anomalies, and talking to these will induce no change. A good psychopharmacologist could be another option to insure she does not have depression, her own characterological issues, anxiety disorders, or other biochemical maladies. I hope everything works out for her and you.