Q. I have been hiding from a diagnosis of BPD for fourteen years. I stand convicted, I can deny it no more: I am one. Unless I give in and endure long-term treatment and medication I will be doomed to repeating the same cycle of failures and heartache and will be likely to die by my own hand. I have several questions.
1) How do I continue? I enjoy the delusion that problems are other people's fault and when that bubble is burst (like now) I am extremely uncomfortable and have a lot of bad thoughts and ideas constantly plaguing me, including despair and suicide and the ultimate fear that others will take away the right to make my own decisions. When, in the past, this state came on me it was bliss and became "the way I had always felt". I would move on and the past would be gone. How can I keep this from happening again (I'm getting too old for this)?
2) I have only the county's Circles of Care free clinic (Brevard, FL). How and where can I find out about long term residential care for BPD? I have been kicked out of treatment places for angry outbursts and worse, I don't know if I can survive until I get social security (I'd be homeless for years) and if I did how would I be in treatment during that time? I just feel so trapped...
3) What can I do about the dread that these people will lock me away and take all my freedom and the power to make to slightest decision? How could I cope? That would REALLY make me suicidal.
A. First things first. You have a biological illness and it needs to be treated. Until you do that, your ability to make plans, avoid feeling suicidal, and make changes in your life are close to zero. All the things you are doing that you hate are outflows of the biochemistry of your brain. This site has a lot of data on treatment. Get on the right medication at the right dosage, and 2 and 3 will either work themselves out or become unnecessary. You absolutely need to treat the chemical part of the disease.
