Q. Does my wife have BPD and how serious is her condition? She does not self-mutilate and her threats of suicide are not direct. Eg: "I've been staring at the wall thinking of killing myself, although of course I wouldn't do such a thing."
From what I've read (Walking on Egg Shells and various information from web sites) much of her behavior has caused me to suspect BPD - but could it bee something else? We have been together 5 years and here's the tip of the iceberg:
1. She is Danish, I am English. She says she needs complete harmony and even the slightest disagreement can lead her to (in her words) "feeling fear", within days or weeks she'll disappear back to Denmark and cut off all communication with me. This can last between 3 weeks and 3 months. She seeks the attention of other men but finds it difficult starting a close and intimate relationship with them. She subsequently becomes depressed, lately leading to expressions of suicide (see above).
2. Twice she has been pregnant as planned. Each time within 1 week of discovering this she vanishes, agonizes over whether to have the child or not and always has an abortion. (It seems to be more a panic attack than self-mutilation). Prior to meeting me she has had at least 4 other abortions that I know of.
3. She has had two visions of Jesus Christ, although this was some time ago.
4. My wife is 32. During her adult life she has moved from one job to the next and from one course of study to another, often not completing what she set out to do.
5. One moment we're looking at buying a house and she's discussing having a large family, and the next she's totally panicked by the thought and literally telling me she's going to live in a convent!
6. If we try to discuss her behavior, even when she's willing she can become very anxious and often only wants to talk about "my problems."
7. When she leaves me, which she does frequently, there is rarely any concrete reason. Instead, she says things such as: "I don't believe in us any more;" "You're not on the same spiritual path."
8. She needs constant reassurance of her appearance and thinks she is lazy despite being a workaholic.
9. Strangely, if you switch a TV on she becomes so mesmerized it's as if she can't hear you when you talk to her.
10. She can get insanely jealous at times, accusing me of looking at other women.
11. When she leaves it's always dramatic, however hard I try to leave the drama out.
12. She comes from a one parent family, her father having left when my wife was six and where her mother was an alcoholic.
13. For years my wife has attended 'Adult Children of Alcoholics' but has, until recently, avoided one-on-one therapy. It seems that she knows there's something wrong but in between blaming me, or others, for her problems seeks spiritual (alternative) healing. For years she was a follower of something called 'A Course in Miracles" which maintains that the world is an illusion created by the 'ego'.
Let me finish with an example of one of just many chaotic episodes. I left for a week-long business trip. Prior to my leaving we had had an argument, I foolishly I said there were other women who would gladly be my partner and why did she find it so hard to appreciate everything we had! Meanwhile, a female friend had written to me telling me her latest news. I left the letter on the coffee table (there was nothing to hide). When I returned a week later, there was no furniture left in the house, it had all been put in storage. My wife had moved to her mother's house. Five weeks later her mother asked her daughter to move out and everything was brought back to our house!
I suspect my wife has BPD, despite the absence of self-mutilation and any obvious addiction. Is this possible? Is there hope? Does BPD burn itself out?
She is now seeing a therapist in Denmark once a week. He says she does not have BPD but has a healthy personality that displays characteristics of BPD. Is there such a condition? Is this just a very smart approach from the therapist?
A. It sounds as if she has many things possibly going on. I do not know if she has BPD. BPD cannot be ruled out, but she could also have depression, ADD, histrionic personality, narcissistic personality, Dysthymia, or even bipolar disorder. She does, however, have something. She does not have a healthy personality based on the examples you sent.