Q. I had a really lonely childhood and I thin because of the pressure that my father put on me I had many mental problems...I'm still having them... Well my problem is I don't what I am... I've taken tests and stuff and I've seen two doctors...They both told me that I have two personalities and depression and stuff but still there are some questions in my mind because even if I tell them a little bit about my symptoms and stuff they wanted to put me in a hospital...
I used to have hallucinations and still I hear voices sometimes ( they seem to come from outside but still from inside), I cut myself when I hear children voices crying...It's like cleaning my soul...And my mood changes so quickly that it makes me tired after a while...I feel like I have to do everything that I do perfectly, I can't tolerate mistakes in my work...Sometimes I feel like I'm stoned and the parts of my body (like my legs, my arms, my eyes, my mouth, my head, every part of my body) are not together, they don't obey me... I can't move sometimes, since they are like separated from each other...I try to give orders to them (like, I would say to my eyes to open) but they don't obey me in those moments...And sometimes people say that I act as if I'm another person...
When I lie I believe it and then it becomes a part of my memories and after a while I can't tell if something is true or false, if I made it up or if it really happened...I had this evil part who tried to kill me but I think when my doctor hypnotized me, it helped but still I sometimes feel like the other evil part is there waiting for the moment to take the control of me...I can't control my emotions too...I have always extreme emotions...If I feel sad it's like the end of the world...But I feel happy it's like a new start everything seems bright and shiny I don't really know...I feel like I live in a transparent bubble sometimes...Everybody seems so flu and far away... And sometimes when I look to people they become smaller and smaller I try to look away but everything gets smaller and they seem like they are going away from me and I can't reach them...For a long time I thought that it's a normal visual thing that everybody has but my doctor told me that it's unusual...But still they didn't tell me what it is...I stopped taking medications and seeing a doctor since I wanted to go to a college in United States (I'm from Turkey) and my father thought that I can't come here if I'm crazy...So I pretended to look good and healthy even though I had problems...
I used Prozac, Tegretol, Zyprexa and some other stuff that I don't really remember...Oh! I forgot I still have panic attacks...
Can you please tell me what exactly I have...Am I schizophrenic or what? My doctors never told me something clear...I can more details if you want me to... But please tell me what it is...
A. It sounds as if you have a mood disorder of some type, but not schizophrenia. BPD (whether you mean bipolar or borderline) is a mood disorder. This site has a number of letters discussing treatment for borderline personality. Essentially, if you are obsessive-compulsive, you need to use high dosages of SRIs (Prozac was a SRI) or SNRIs (Effexor). If you are not obsessive-compulsive, Serzone may help as 500 mg or more at bedtime. Since you are going to school, intelligence is not a factor. Schizophrenia usually worsens with time, and usually prevents one from functioning academically. Having a mood disorder is not wonderful, but a lot better than schizophrenia. Talk to your doctor about treatment options, and keep on trying until you find one that works. In cases like yours, either 450 mg of Effexor XR, 400 of Zoloft, 80 mg of Prozac, or 500 of Serzone are the norm. If you write where you are, perhaps there is a good referral for treatment nearby.