Q. I think I have BPD. I have been seeing various psychologist and psychiatrist for about a year, but as I am in the military, there is lots of turnover due to them or me moving. Their early diagnosis is depression, for which I have been given 100mg Zoloft. But on that my moodiness increases and I exercise bad judgment. It makes me somewhat manic and more likely to sleep around and spend excessively. Also, I really panic when I'm alone, which my job often requires. When I was sent overseas for one year without my family, I freaked out. Even now, when I am out on a trip, I feel trapped in my hotel room. I often call my wife several times a night. If that doesn't work, I would go to the bar and pick up women (I have an unfortunate knack for picking women up, who usually tend to fall in love with me on the first date, this often leads to affairs via phone, email and when I travel to that place again), or go to a strip joint or massage parlor. Or get drunk to overcome the desire. I also have problems with spending, over-eating, questions about my masculinity and sexual orientation, expressing anger, dealing with other peoples criticism (especially my wife's), arguing with loved ones. I am not suicidal, but I can't help but think about my death a lot. Now that my wife and I have split up, I usually drink myself to sleep as a defense against my desire to go out and find a woman. I can't stand to be alone yet I always feel isolated. I feel overwhelmed by responsibilities, but seek more and more work from my boss to win his approval (I can't tell him no). I am the same way at church, with other people who ask my help, and with my parents. I'm only happy when I'm in the middle of a group, like a big party or a club or a meeting where I can win people's approval.
A. It sounds like you may have BPD, but it is not the end of the world. What you need to do is get on the right medications (I like Effexor XR at 450 or so best), and see what develops. If there are improvements in your function, you can see what is left to work on in therapy. The hypomanias are not much different from what you describe prior to medications. Get on an adequate dosage of medication before you throw in the towel.
One thing you should definitely know. BPD is a mood disorder. You are not a bad person, albeit you may do bad things because of the disease. The disease is not going to change without corrective interventions, and I truly believe these start with meds.