Q. Is it possible for someone to exhibit BPD behaviors to some family members and not others?? Specifically, can a person be BPD when dealing with siblings and cousins but be very protective (and perhaps exclusionary) with the relationships of his immediate family (wife and children)? I ask this question because my brother-in-law is almost impossible to talk to about anything. He has slowly decided that different members of the extended family are 'no good' (I use that term instead of the expletives he would prefer). He is very emotional and judgmental about the lack of respect he gets from others (whether real or imagined). He is a perfectionist and will criticize everyone and everything he feels is not perfect. Sometimes I think it is just an inferiority complex. Of course I've become the latest victim of the 'hate the world' complex he has. I mentioned I thought he had an inferiority complex (after he implied I did, projection perhaps). Every time people ask him to discuss these issues, he says 'I don't want to talk about it!!'. He's also under-employed and resentful of financially successful family members. Perhaps this is just a severe case of 'sour grapes', but his family is constantly walking on egg-shells, afraid of his next emotional outburst based on some perceived slight. I did review the list of BPD characteristics but I'm unsure of how many of them he actually has. I can surmise at least three or four (moodiness, volatile and inappropriate emotional responses, at least 1 car accident a year, manipulation of his children to prefer his company (fear of abandonment)).

Anyway, I don't want to impose a diagnosis on anyone, I'm just trying to figure out how to stabilize the family relationships. I can honestly say, the chances of him going to therapy are virtually nil.

  A. Borderlines are borderlines. They exhibit characteristic borderline behaviors pretty much all the time. That said, they are not always hateful. Like asthma, the illness is always there, just really bad sometimes versus other times. People in the family "get use" to the behaviors (walking on egg shells), and may even be blinded by the behaviors. We tend to make excuses for family members. Our children only know us as parents, and are taught to live our way. A good read on this is Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. I know yours is a male figure, but you get a good feel from the book of how the various borderline thinking mechanisms work. Likewise, you get a good idea of what might be a better behavior on your part.

Clearly borderlines act differently. In this case, if you are liked, you are treated differently by him than if you are hated. Ultimately, you need to do the right thing for yourself. Compromising your own ethics or value system will not help you, and certainly will not help him. Borderlines (there are multiple types) look at the world differently. In this case, he sounds unwilling to even consider alternatives or make any compromises. Any compromises you make will not be reciprocated in this case.