Borderline Personality Disorder Consumers Give Advice to Families

If you would like to participate in this section and have it posted here, plese send your letter in.

I'm not sure I have any "advice" for family members. I can only admit that I have hurt many, many people due to my illness. I have hurt both of my parents, my cousins, aunt and uncle, boyfriends and unfortunately my own daughter. 

I did not hurt them because I have a character disorder or that I am a bad person. Quite the contrary, I am known as a very kind, caring and loving person. My hurtful behaviors towards others had less to do with who I really am, my own real personality, than my illness which is borderline personality disorder.

It is important to remember that someone who is actively suffering from this disorder is working VERY hard on a moment to moment basis JUST TO SURVIVE. Being in our skin, or walking in our shoes is EXTREMELY painful and may not make much sense to someone looking from the outside. We feel everything much deeper than you do. Some "little" upset can put us over the edge into feeling suicidal. Our emotions are not regulated like yours are. It is not our fault. We experience malfunctions in our brains. Many times, as Dr. Heller puts it, our "brains fire out of control." We can't help it but we do anything we can to make it stop.

We experience dysphoria (anxiety, rage, depression and despair) a lot. If we scream at you at the top of our lungs and perhaps hit or kick things or knock things over, we are experiencing a rage that some people people feel is a seizure. I don't know the answer tot his.

Many times, knowing fully what was happening in my brain etc., I experienced a rage and I did everything I could do to survive it. I went outside and walked around. I kicked things that couldn't be damaged. I TRIED not to scream at my fianc�e, very difficult to NOT do. We want to rage and scream and kick as if we were toddlers. It is a terrible feeling and for me. 

I very RARELY experience these rages anymore as I am on the right medications now. If it were not for these medications I would doubt that I could have a successful relationship with my fianc�e.

If you love someone who has the borderline personality disorder,  it is important you know that their rages are not your fault and they are not "bad." It is important to know they have a neurological disorder and they desperately need help. They need medication first and then counseling, the right kind of therapy. If at all possible, find a therapist trained in DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) - see the  therapist list.

It is important not to be codependent and to lovingly detach whenever possible if you cannot help them as Melody Beattie states in her excellent books about co-dependency. The best is "Codependent No More."

If they want help, great! Get them to a Dr. that knows how to treat this disorder, otherwise to be honest you are simply wasting your time and years out of their life and yours.

If they don't want help you must make a decision about your life. You must put yourself first. No matter the cause of the borderline's behavior, it is NOT ok for you to experience it. You simply don't deserve it.

It is perfectly ok to leave a relationship that is not good for you. You must take care of yourself. Do not get into the thinking that you yourself can take care of that person or help that person get well.

How can you help them when their brains are damaged? I went to therapy for years and still I remained ill.

If you are actively involved in a very dysfunctional relationship with a persona with borderline personality disorder or is also called emotional regulation disorder, I think it is important to ask yourself what it is about you that you are in this relationship. If you are in pain, ask the person to get help and get help yourself. If they or you are unwilling what is preventing you from leaving and going on with your life? If it is difficult for you to leave a painful relationship where no one gets help, this is the time you need to get some help for yourself and that is perfectly ok. Getting help is not a weakness but a strength in taking care of yourself.

Also I wanted to acknowledge your feelings that yes, it is not just you. People with BPD can be very, very difficult to be around. When we can be our true selves without the illness, we are truly wonderful and usually very intelligent people. However the illness many times keeps people at a distance. You are not alone in your frustrations.

The new book "Hope for People with Borderline Personality Disorder," has an excellent family section in there that  I recommend. In fact I recommend that book to families over any other book.

This is a letter from someone with the BPD to their boyfriend:

"If you know me so well then tell me which hand I use..." some assessments are right, correct and some wrong. Some I fit like a piece to a puzzle and others I don't fit at all. I don't know how to take that thing about your mother, that conversation. I am not sure how to take any of it. Yes, I am into splitting, into self-destructive behavior, but that is not all I am.

Be careful, very careful telling me who I am. Because sometimes I think you only partially know. Our relationship was not finished by my borderline personality disorder and I'm not sure if you inferred that or if I just read more into it. I felt locked to you and to CITY NAME and not only because of who I am. Be careful with labels because you can get them wrong....I will not apologize to you or anyone else for what someone else did to me or what I have to deal with. I have issues with trust and it is not jealousy that I feel....another misinterpretation on your part...it is fear. My ambivalence haunts me....I hate when boys leer at me sometimes... I want to be beautiful on the outside and yet not only based on outward appearance. My mind is trying to fight society and that is not borderline, it is injustice. It's part of being a woman.

Why I am constantly fat, even though I am not, by any means. I have a mold to fit into. If you thought you had one, try being a female teenager.

I like your mother, I like your family. So, for me, don't leave it at that. Don't make my problems all of it. Because its really not. You stood my borderline for months, and you would have stood it for longer.

I am a tornado but I will not feel shame although I felt at first like I should. Like I bear scars...oh she's BORDERLINE..well guess what? Be careful with labels...

It's sad in life when you become the problem, and everything is about the problem. I am lucky, it could be worse considering how much I was f'd over. Sometimes I feel as if I am ancient.

Do you wanna know the truth? I shy away from normal boys my age. I will not date anyone that is not "deep" or different" and I went through it with "J", and you too. Sometimes I would not feel attracted and it hurt like hell. I would feel like you loved me more, or he loved me more. And then I would feel superficial because its not as if I didn't find you attractive.

You sent me some passages that weren't even me....they really weren't. And, I respect you for wanting to educate yourself. But don't you think it's a little late for that??