Q. Mr. Mason--I'm in a relationship with a man who I believe suffers from BPD. His "white" personality is loving, gracious and charming. But any small incident can unleash his rage, and I refuse to be a victim any longer. I am an angel every other day and a fucking bitch the next. He has asked me to marry him, bought me a ring, purchased a house and bought honeymoon tickets to Mexico--all grand gestures meant to yoke me to him. I know that he was physically abused as a child, and I suspect that he may also be a victim of incest. He has a regular therapist he sees, but he refuses to consider medication. His sleeping pattern is unusual; he binds himself with towels and pillows--swaddles himself and keeps a white noise maker near his head. I have been with him for a year now, and no course of action seems to keep his disorder at bay. It seems to me that I need to draw the line in the sand--ask him to seek psychiatric help and medication before we continue. Is there a chance?

 A. Thank you for your recent message. From your account, his current behaviors and actions are very consistent with someone who experienced a great deal of trauma as a child. Problems with sleep and unusual sleeping habits are very common. For some clients, wrapping themselves in sheets and blankets allows them to feel safe and secure both physically and emotionally much like a baby is tightly wrapped and swaddled to help them sleep when away from its mother. What's unknown to me is where in the process of change and recovery you friend is. You have been with him for a year. How does this compare to five or ten years ago? Is he in the process of growing and changing but just on a slow train? Is there hope? I think there always is. However, you will have decide what you can endure and whether you can be his partner if change is slow.

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