Q. My son is just 8 years old. His father (my ex-husband) displays most of the behaviors of BPD though he has not been diagnosed professionally. Significantly absent in his behavior are suicidal tendencies or any inclination toward physical self harm and impulsive behaviors. All other DSM IV Criteria are present. Most intense are reactions to abandonment, and in his case, reenacting his own abandonment by his father by periodically doing the same to his son.

Of most concern is a pattern of alienating parents of our son's friends as well as caregivers and teachers. Recently he reported a family to Child Protective Services. The investigator was shocked at the level of abuse in his written communications to me as well as his many references to what he tells our son. He reported me to CPS a few years ago also and our son had to be interviewed. Our son was expelled from a preschool because his father's behavior was so hostile and intense. He maintains that his son should know the "truth" and so shares his version of events with him.

At the same time, father and son love each other. Their relationship is close and valuable. Over these many years of relentless (and increasing) hostility and rage, I have maintained that the cure (eliminating or drastically reducing the father's contact) is worse than the disease (the effects of his distortions and perceptions). But now, I am afraid that even with therapy (child has been seeing someone for a year), it will not be enough.

A. Thank you for your inquiry. Like most family situations, yours is complex and cannot be given the detailed attention it deserves through a brief message. First, I'm glad to hear that your son and ex-husband do share some positive experiences together in their relationship. Despite the challenges, they seem to find some positive elements that make the relationship important to them. That speaks well to both your ex-husband and your son. Given your description, your son sounds as if he is both aware of his dad's problems (i.e., he sees how his dad behaves and he hears dad vent to him) and accepting of him at the same time. Your son's willingness to talk about this in counseling also helps. What I don't understand at this time is your concern that therapy "may not be enough". Are problems increasing for your son? Is your son displaying signs of emotional distress? If so, work with him and his therapist on these issues. Help him maintain the positive aspects of his relationship with his dad. Are there other concerns you have about your son? Most of the research on families indicates that the presence of a healthy parent can "buffer" the negative effects of an unhealthy parent. In addition, children are not only quite resilient, but also are very understanding and accepting of the shortcomings of their parents. Therefore, when needed act as a buffer. Otherwise, support his relationship with his father as much as you can.

          

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