Q. I would like your advice concerning my husband. We have been separated for almost 4 years now (married since 1981). He has never been officially diagnosed as borderline (to my knowledge) but he fits the diagnostic criteria. He was diagnosed with "chronic mood disorder" in 1990 but refused treatment. He has briefly seen many therapists, counselors, clergymen, etc. since then with no real progress. His behavior does seem to have stabilized to some degree over the recent past (he is 38 yrs old). I have never shared with him any of the research or information that I have about borderline personality disorder. My question is: should I share this information with him or his current therapist? It has been my hope in the past that his therapist would recognize these characteristics (and they may have) and steer him toward appropriate treatment. I am meeting today with yet another "new" counselor that he is seeing and am really unsure of how much to tell her (this is a joint meeting at the counselor's request).

A. As a therapist, I have always appreciated spouses/family members insights and experiences. For many reasons, clients don't always share their entire history and some very valuable information would be missed if not for concerned family members/significant others.

There are many ways to share your experiences/information. The information sharing could be in the form of a letter, phone call, private appointment, joint appointment. First, however, I think it is important to discuss with your husband your wanting to share this information. It may be important to emphasize that you want to share your perspective on how you and the rest of the family have been effected and that it is not just a time to "bash your husband". Most clients are fearful and anxious that their loved ones are just telling the therapist all of the bad things that they do. All of this may be prefaced by you or the therapist talking about how important it is to be honest, respectful, and trusting during treatment. Above all, trust and honesty need to prevail. Even if that means you both disagree about whether it is a good idea to share information with the therapist, if you say you're not going to share information then don't. If you say you plan to share this information, then make those plans.

The last decision is how best to share the information. He may or may not feel comfortable being in the same room with you as you do this. You may not either, but in most cases, it should be the client's choice as to whether s/he attends while you share information. Your therapist should be prepared to talk about how they can use this information and, in the future, if new information arises, how the therapist would like you to convey this information. All of this needs to be agreed upon or at least understood by ALL parties involved to avoid future misunderstandings.

For example, I had a 45 year old female client with borderline personality disorder. Her mother was still actively involved in her life and often had excellent insights and pertinent information about my clients situation to share. I met with the mother on two occasions without my client present. From there on, we agreed that an occasional phone call or letter was sufficient. In all cases, I shared with my client any phone contacts or letters I received about her. This way nothing was "behind her back".

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