Q. I have been told by others (acquaintances, etc. -- nonprofessionals) that my husband probably suffers from borderline personality disorder. There is also a lot of antisocial and paranoid behavior going on here. He has completely unpredictable outbursts during which he is extremely cruel and scares us all with threats, etc. He is extremely intelligent (in a book-learned way), very well educated and is a high achiever. He is Mr. Wonderful at work where he excels. At home, he is Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Here is my question: Since it is unthinkable to suggest to him that there is something wrong, is there a way to live "around" this type of personality? I am afraid for my life, on occasion, so I cannot make the wrong move. I need to make informed moves only. I am unable to pay for private counseling as my husband would surely find the canceled checks, etc. He has scared away my friends and I am mostly isolated.

A. Your question is a good one but the answer and situation may be too complex for me to give a simple answer to. In a general sense, yes, people have found ways to "live around" the idiosyncrasies and difficult behaviors of a spouse. My book, Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, is all about strategies to do so. That may be a good place to start. Your description of your spouse is quite similar to many other people's situation who contributed to the content of the book.

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