Q. I had been married to a man with borderline personality disorder for 25 years. It was 25 years of pure hell. We divorced last year. The last seven of those 25 years I had been in therapy. I will obtain my master's degree in psychology in May. I researched everything possible, spoke with psychologists, etc. in an attempt to understand my ex-husband, as prior to doing research I was baffled. We recently reunited and have been together for a month now. After months of him pursuing me and pleading with me to come back I had agreed, and wanted to believe in his promises. He is worse than ever and refuses to continue with therapy or take medication which he had agreed to prior to us reuniting. I do not know how to break through his resistance and need help.

A. I'm not sure that "breaking through his resistance" is the course of action that is going to result in what you want. First, it sounds from your description that you may have conflicting feelings about whether to stay with him or not. Those feelings, regardless of his condition or current state, need to be explored and clarified. Choosing to stay with a spouse and provide support to him throughout his recovery/treatment requires a strong commitment. Are you ready to make that commitment? What are your conditions for staying with him? You may also need to explore your thoughts and feelings around why you decided to reunite? Was it loneliness, re-kindled love, or did the constant pursuit in some way provide you with some positive feelings that you weren't able to get some other way? As you can see, many self-questions probably need to be answered before the attention/effort gets directed to him. Take some time to explore these questions. More questions may arise. Try to explore those to your best ability. If needed, consult with a mental health professional who can assist you with this exploration.

         

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