Borderline Personality Disorder in Older People

I'm 42 and I would love to tell you that my symptoms have decreased as I've got older but they haven't. I've learned more about everything having to do with borderline personality disorder, especially my responsibilities as far as my behaviors. I have however kept to myself and my immediate family much more than ever.

I don't have any friends anymore and that's mostly because I just feel so weird and more like I don't know how to talk to people any longer. It was getting so stressful feeling like more and more work mentally to have a discussion. BUT..I get extremely lonely and have more empty feelings now which half the time leads me to more self loathing which I hate. I just never noticed or looked around before so much as now.

About a year ago I was in-voluntary admitted into the hospital and while I was in there I was raped by another patient who I learned later had recently been released from prison for raping other women. I learned so many things about other people's reactions and thoughts towards bpd when this happened that I'm not sure I'll ever trust or feel like it's ok to tell a doctor much. I think I've gotten off my original thinking when I started writing this, not uncommon for me actually. I guess what I'm trying to say is I do spend a lot more time by myself now and there are times when it feels so good to just be me and do what I want but I also have more times when I begin feeling down and I fall a lot harder and begin thinking of suicide. In some ways I regret not making myself fight the feelings of wanting to isolate more with my self. This may be because I never felt as self conscience before about having bpd like now either. I'm losing track of all my thoughts so I better quit.