Advice from Significant Others to Significant Others

If you have some helpful advice to other significant others, send your letter to  with "soso" in the subject.

We cousins range in age from 33-46 years old and have 15 children between us. We are all college educated, half of us holding higher degrees. Because we are more educated we are more aware and have instituted a policy. The policy being that we have written down our families medical history. We have been able to go as far back as our great great grandparents. This info is constantly updated. We only encountered mild resistance at first from the older family members, whose thinking was old fashioned (you know, don't talk about stigmas) but we easily overcame that because we were united in our effort.

From our research we have found that a family member had been considered crazy. What exactly was wrong with them we do not know because all those who had witnessed the behavior first hand are now deceased, plus medical science was not up on these things way back when.

We recommend to other family members to write down their family history as well. But don't use this info to place blame. Use it to help deal with the problem, not to fix blame. In addition the medical history we obtained proved itself invaluable. We discovered a history of colon cancer and glaucoma. This knowledge saved one family member from dying of colon cancer and 2 family members from going blind due to glaucoma.

We say overcome your embarrassment and shame real fast and talk about family illness, because what you don't know can and will hurt you. But what ever you do, just don't play ostrich. Why? Because when the ostrich sticks his head in the sand his big butt serves as a big target, and the bigger the target the easier it is to hit.

On a side note, our family member who suffers from BPD was never abused .From the time he was 2 years old we knew something was wrong with him. We also suspect that one of our cousins children might suffer from a mental disorder, but he is still to young to tell for sure. While we believe the theory of cause an effect, we lean much more towards genes playing the much larger role.

We hope our policy will be of value to others who deal with this mental illness. Good luck to all.

The many cousins

My girlfriend and i just recently broke up. Actually it was more of a separation. It wasn't messy, which was unusual because she loves/hates to argue. Now that I think about it I know that a separation could only come from her when she was calm. We would have arguments, big ones. I hate being hit in the face, and she'd do it on purpose to see if I'd leave her, or to test the limits of my anger and draw out emotions that she could more easily deal with. I would never hit he, ever, but she would try so very hard to get me to provoking me with everything she could, jealousy, direct physical attacks, being frustrating. I could also never leave an argument. We argued over the what later seemed like the dumbest things, or I'd say something nonchalantly and send her over the edge. She would get extremely jealous and feel extremely abandoned and nothing I could do could convince her that I was faithful to only her. I would tell her she was beautiful, and she wouldn't believe me because I'm her boyfriend so I didn't count. Sometimes when we would argue it would get to the point when one of us would leave, if it was her she'd go but come back before a minute would pass, angry again and at the same time looking for a way to stop the argument. She wanted nothing more at these times than for me to come to her and hug her and tell her I love her and carry her to bed and tuck her in and watch her and run my hand through her hair watching her as she fell asleep, and then embracing her throughout the night. The next morning she'd awake me with kisses, but I almost never got to kiss her back, (unless I stole the kiss) because she always thought I wouldn't like kissing her anymore if she ever had bad breath. (At this point in writing I've had to stop because my eyes are too teary to see the screen.) I know this is terribly un organized and just thoughts but it's all coming out at once. I'd tell her I love her, and she'd tell me that I didn't know what love was, I wasn't compassionate enough, I didn't show my love enough. and at the same time she'd desperately want to believe, you could see it in her eyes. she was scared of commitment and had a low self esteem, so she'd deny that I could love her. She'd cut herself to see if I'd care and also to activate the chemicals in her brain to "normalize" herself. Sometimes when we'd argue she would start "preaching" and would not listen to what I would say, at these times the only thing I found to work was to wait it out, to hug her when she would let me and when she wouldn't, I'd usually stop listening, or walk away. She never let me walk away, not even in the worst times. our biggest arguments, even when it was my fault, she never let me walk away, I'd get out the door but as soon as I was out of sight she'd tackle me crying and hugging me. She would start listening and we'd be able to finish the argument peaceably when this happened.

My advice? Ff you love her, tell her so. you can never say it enough. if she tells you you're lying, tell her again that you love her and respond this way till you get through, it took hours one time, she screaming at me that I couldn't love her, that she wasn't worth it, and I'd calmly tell her that I love her. she'd cry and tell me \i don't know what love is, and I'd tell her that \i love her and give her a strong hug.

Hugging is very important, hug her often. hug her solidly, never hug her half-assed. never be the first to let go of the embrace. I've learned that it doesn't matter if I'm 20 minutes late to my job, my girlfriend needed me then so I was there.

In the beginning I would leave work to see her when she asked to see me. It was difficult to explain that I couldn't always be there on command. and at the same time show her that I wasn't abandoning her, or putting my job in front of her.

Tell her she's beautiful. on a scale of one to ten, never tell her she's a seven. I made that mistake because she asked me to rate her neutrally, and to include everything from angels to the unimagined beautiful. She doesn't exist on a scale to me. she's probably the most beautiful person I've ever known.

Learn to listen to what she's trying to say, not what comes out of her mouth, because there have been a few times when she would be full of crap. like no I don't want you to come over here. no I don't want to hug you. no I don't love you. I want you to leave. Listening and knowing what she's really saying is very important. be intuitive and pick up on the little hints.

If you are sexually active with her make sure to tell her she is beautiful when you two are done. it will remove all the uncertainties and all the mistakes will be forgotten. don't let her feel foolish for anything she's doing or wants to try.

Nothing in this world beats the feeling of lying with her in the night, the rain outside, holding her close and listening to her breathe as she sleeps. sometimes waking in the night so she can see that you are there, and pull you closer and sleep in your embrace.

Be honest with her, about everything. if you screw up, she doesn't trust you. and that will always be there. when you make a promise, find out what it means to the letter and keep it to the letter. how can she believe you when you say you love her when you smoke a cigarette after you promised her you wouldn't for two months?

She would test me and once she asked me how come I put up with all her crap? I told her because it was for the wonderful person inside, the someone I see glimpses of when I am with her. at night, standing in the grocery line, in the car.

Learn to let her go. this is the hardest by far. but it's vital. If she threatens to cut herself, let her, let her know it's not because you don't love her and care for her that you don't stop her and let her know that she is in control of herself. tell her you wont stop her from cutting herself, because it's her JOB! If she reaches for a razor, I would walk away and she knew that I wouldn't want to talk to her, hug her, or console her if she cut herself around me. Some days she would argue with her parents and one moment she'd tell me she'd be right out, (finishing packing from her mother's) and the next she'd come out with blood down her arms. I would say nothing and we would get in the car. I wouldn't look at the cuts. I'd drive to our apartment and between the car and the door I'd hug her. no words, and not listening to her saying that she didn't want to get blood on my clothes. I'd run my fingers thru her hair and let her cry, and I'd carry her inside, and lay her on the bed. she would curl up and I'd come back with a wet napkin and clean the blood off of her arms. she would resist but it would be a token effort at most. she wanted to be strong and take care of herself but at the same time she wanted someone to protect her and love her and take care of her. she'd complain of the sting and I'd tell her something dumb or from a cartoon or something like "yeah, hurts like hell don't it?". I would never make her feel guilty or blame her for what she did. she wasn't stupid. she knows what she did.

After these episodes, (there were around four or five) we'd end up playing Uno, or putting together a puzzle or something similarly mundane and systematic. she didn't want to play chess or go running, she wanted something simple, and she wanted me to be there. Some times this was very frustrating to me, ever played two person Uno for 6 hours straight, starting from 11:30 at night?

In the end we realized we both needed a little growing up. she started eyeing other guys, and wouldn't want to let me go. we went thru an episode of an "open relationship" but that wasn't good for me. and I'm sure it wasn't helping her either. I knew for a fact that if I kissed a girl then tried to tell her it meant nothing and that I was just experimenting it would crush her. She's strong and the reason I believe she feared commitment was because that meant you had to open up. that meant that you opened yourself up to be hurt. but at the same time I knew this she would do the same to me. and then feel guilty about it and incredibly sad. calling me or contacting me very soon after and crying to me for love.

At times I was her best friend, and at times I became "just like daddy" to her.( I use that term for a reason and I know there are a LOT of you out there that have heard it too.) sometimes I was there to release emotion thru sexual means, arguing then kissing like the world was going to end in the next few seconds. Sometimes I was protection, her running to me when she didn't know where to go. I had a knack for calming her, if I didn't get her more upset. and at times I saw the real her. Beautiful and stunning and in love with me. her eyes would burn to the depths of my soul with her love, and her smile would make everything alright. we would be there for eternity in those moments.

We aren't dating anymore, but I don't see myself out of her life permanently. she's dealing with this hard, probably more than I because she seemed to feel more emotion than I did. maybe not more emotion but some things to a fuller extent. I also have a problem internalizing things so there's a bit of that too.

So what's all this advice boil down to? I don't know crap. but I know more than when I started. I'll never understand exactly what she goes through, but I know that I love her. and would do anything for her, including separate. things I think most important?

Find out about BPD, read about it. DO IT!, of course you probably aren't reading this if you aren't doing just that =]

Treat her as you would treat a diamond rose.

Don't treat her like she's fragile and going to break.

Don't tell her you love her unless you mean it.

Tell her you love her even when it's hard to tell at the moment.

Don't place her on a pedestal for her to fall off of.

Stand on that pedestal with her, not behind her, and not in front of her, but with her.

Never be the first to break off from a hug. even if it means you set a Guinness record and you die of old age.

She is strong and she doesn't need you, or anyone else. but she would love for you to be there. with her. sharing

And most importantly take time to listen to her. because she WILL talk to you and tell you everything.

Be patient. it takes time.

She's not crazy, she just wants what everyone else wants, to love, to be loved, and to know that she's loved.