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No new stories will be added to this section. However if you would like to make a contribution to Bipolar Today Membership, you can send in your story here be included Recently it's come to my attention that I may be bipolar. I'm
19 and living on my own far away from my parents who I sought
to escape when I came to college. Depression runs in my family
and they have been on my case for ages trying to get me to see
someone about it. I decided to do my own research and I was astonished,
the symptoms for bipolar read like me own personal rap sheet.
All of what I thought were my most endearing qualities are symptoms.
I still wasn't sure however, as I didn't seem to match any of
the requirements of depressive moods and periods. After talking
to my friend however I was shocked to find how many emotional
collapses I had had, that I has simply forgotten about. He keeps
a journal daily an in it he has letters I've written him when
I was certainly on the brink of something. Besides him, my friends
haven't taken the information very well, none of them are serious
and they think it's just another one of my dramatic stunts. I'm
hurt, but I understand where they are coming from, none of them
has ever seen past the bright cheerful facade which I wear like
a tight suit. Many of them aren't aware of my breakdowns, my suicide
attempts, my thoughts of death, memory loss, etc... I've gotten
into a terrible cycle of spending every dime I make and not being
able to account for it. The other day I checked myself into a
psychiatric facility because I didn't want to return to my apartment
alone. After four hours of being shuffled around, filling out
insurance forms and talking to people, I finally saw a doctor.
At the same time, I panicked and fled against their advice. After
talking to my doctor I've been referred to several good mental
health doctors whom I am going to begin seeing. I
don't know whether I am at the beginning or the end of my story
but here goes. I have been bipolar for the past 10 years (as far as I remember anyway, although my mother says that I have always been "moody" - who knows?). My behavior has always been extremely erratic, but when I was a teenager my parents probably just chalked it up to being, well - a teenager. It started out harmless enough - I used to change the color of my hair every few weeks (my friends called me the "dye queen" and thought it was actually somewhat funny, but I happen to be very impulsive - and I think I was always trying to be someone else, anybody but me) When I was 16 years old I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. When I was 18 years old I was diagnosed with Bulimia (I went from weighing 103 lbs and being 5 feet 8 inches, to weighing 160 lbs - then going down to 115 lbs again). I saw a Psychologist at this time in my life (for about two years). She didn't seem to help me much, so I gave up on the whole "talking it out" thing. I figured I would make myself better (I have always been very head strong, and once I made up my mind - no one could change it). I can't even tell you some of the completely outrageous things I have done while I was in a manic state. Besides, I would be typing all day long if I were to write them all down. Most of the time it was like I was a puppet and someone else was pulling the strings, but in a way that statement makes it seem like I don't want to claim responsibility for my actions which is not what I am trying to say. But my fellow Bipolar suffers, I know you know exactly what I mean by this. For the most part I consider myself hypomanic, which is good I guess. I am rarely depressed (knock on wood), except for when I am PMSing, but I guess that is somewhat normal. I don't take meds on a regular basis (because I like being hypomanic, that is when I do my best writing and as corny as it may sound, writing is a big part of my life. Without it, I wouldn't be able to be me, and then who would I be?) although if I feel a little depressed, I take a Xanax here and there (I try not to drink, because it either gets me into trouble or I start smoking again, so I try to stick to the Xanax when I am feeling pressure, stress, or depressed) because the depression is what scares me the most - the last time I was severely depressed, I either lost too much weight or gained too much weight. I also tend to hide from the world and not talk to anyone - not even my family (which is what being depressed is, but I tend to be somewhat introverted anyway), which frightens the hell out of me because I always get scared that I'll get stuck in that phase, wallowing in my rock-bottom depression, never able to escape. Anyway, reading the other stories on this site have made me feel at ease and not so alone. I could completely relate to them, and perhaps some people who visit this site will be able to relate to mine. I am happy to be able to contribute my story and thanks for listening and letting me vent a little of my pent up mania today:) i
am a 43 year old mother of three, (11, 20 and 22 years of age)
. i am a web designer and computer technician. my first suicide
attempt was at age 6. i have suffered mania and depression all
my life. i am completely self-educated as i could never happily
exist in group educational experiences. fortunately reading and
research have always been my joy and salvation. I
am 32 years old, and have just been diagnosed with rapid-cycling
bipolar disorder. I think that I have had this disorder since
I was a teenager, but with parents who are more interested in
their "standing" in the community, and a father who
is a religious zealot, I was always told that I was evil, and
that only God could help me. Well, going to church did not help
with the feelings of worthlessness and the self-loathing that
I would feel when I am depressed, and the compulsive spending
sprees, and the promiscuity, and the thinking that other people
were talking about me, and the paranoia, and the inability
to hold a job, and the inability to stay in any kind of a relationship
for any amount of time, thanks to my erratic behavior, and my
tendency to become aggressive and violent when I'm in a manic
stage. I finally decided to seek help when my husband, who has
been the only one there for me ( you've probably already
guessed that my family isn't supportive), said that he was going
to leave me and take our infant son, because he didn't want our
child to be hurt by me. With the help of meds (mainly lithium),
I am starting to be able to live some semblance of a "normal"
life. Stress seems to trigger these episodes, so I have started
yoga, and stretching exercises. I have lost 40 pounds, and can
actually talk to people without being paranoid and thinking that
they are thinking negative things about me. The hardest part has
been coming to the realization that my family will always be relatively
unsupportive of me, and critical of me. They don't understand,
or don't want to believe, that I have a medical illness, and that
I have no control over this, without meds and counseling. If this
story will help just one person deal with the pain and alienation
that this disorder causes, I will be very happy. You need to get
help, you can't deal with this alone, I read somewhere that up
to 20% of BP's commit suicide without professional help. I am a 24 year old woman who has just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had had several depressive episodes while in college, but I never realized that my sometimes explosive temper and what I always thought was "bad PMS" was really manic episodes. After I went through a horrific divorce from a mentally ill man who thought that as long as I did what he wanted, he would be well (hint, it doesn't work!), and lost a wonderful job, I entered a severe depression, that was not treated for two years, until it got so bad I slashed my legs up with an Exacto knife to put the pain on the outside, and I voluntarily admitted myself to the state mental health hospital. I was diagnosed as depressive (what a surprise), but the doctor, when I told him about my racing thoughts (I didn't know that was abnormal, I thought everyone had them), wanted to put me on a mood stabilizer, which I promptly said no to, I was just depressed, I didn't need the other drugs, this was temporary, I would get over it. Within two days of being placed on Prozac, I had one hell of a manic episode, had a screaming crying panic attack while on an overnight visit at home (I went back to the hospital after 2 hours outside), and while I waited for the doctor to come back to work, I frantically crocheted an afghan, walked around the hospital grounds about four times, and seriously thought about walking off the grounds to Oklahoma City (the hospital was 30 miles outside of OKC, but I still thought this was possible). I spent the weekend popping Vistaril so I wouldn't explode with all the energy that flooded through me. As soon as the doctor came back on Monday, I saw him and said, "You know, that mood stabilizer sounds like a good idea," They couldn't put me on lithium because I have rheumatoid arthritis and the meds I take for that does nasty things to lithium levels. I was placed on Neurontin, and the day I was on the full 900 mgs, I was calm for the first time in my life. I had thought everyone usually felt like their mind was running 90 miles ahead of their body. The doctor still hadn't said the phrase "bipolar" to me, instead saying I was depressed with borderline tendencies (b/c of the self-harm). When I was released from the hospital, I started going to a doctor and a therapist at the Central Oklahoma Community Mental Health Center. When I had a odd reaction to one of my meds, I sneaked a look at my chart when the doctor wasn't looking and saw, in clear type "Axis II-Bipolar Disorder". I freaked out when I got home. I have had physical problems for most of my life, but I had always depended on my mind. I'm a fairly smart person, was valedictorian of my high school, was in the honors program in college, have a B.A., and am a writer. The fact that I had a serious mental disorder blew my mind, that this was not going to be a temporary thing, that this was for life. I've calmed down a little, mostly because I have learned how common it is, and how it doesn't have to ruin my life. Knowing I'm not the only one has helped a lot. It doesn't have to ruin your life, you just have to realize it's the same type of deal as if you are diabetic and have to take insulin. Sometimes you feel great, but if you don't take it, you'll get sick. I refuse to let it rule my life, now that I know what I have struggled with most of my life. I am so glad to have found this site, as it has helped me understand my illness better. When I was growing up , in a very dysfunctional family, I remember being angry, physically abusive to my sister and rageful at times. I attempted suicide on several occasions and was hospitalized four times by the age of 15. At 16, I left home for good, drank, had a lot of sex and married a guy I knew for only 3 weeks by the age of 17. I'm very fortunate not to have contracted HIV. /I divorced and remarried by the age of 19. My rages and depression started getting worse as the years went by. After having my first child, 3months after marrying the second time, I was ok for a while, then had the same symptoms. Ended up getting a second divorce 2 kids and 5 years later. I was finally diagnosed at age 28 and started on Lithium, then Depakote. I gained tremendous weight, so I quit taking my meds. I ended up pregnant again, yes 4 kids! I love them dearly, but I know that I need to be right in my mind to be a good mother. I know that I'm having trouble when I see little people climbing up my window sill in the middle of the night. Does anyone else have these types of hallucinations? Now my 7 year old son has been diagnosed. Seeing him struggle with his emotions and demons that plague him hurts me deeply. I can't help but feel responsible. He is now in his second month and just starting to get better on the meds. I'm trying not to go on, but there is so much to say that I can't tell anyone else. I feel awful and anxious when I'm in a slump and my house could be a haven for rats. Even though I see it and it bothers me to the point of fear, I just can't do anything about it . Staying in bed for days is not unheard of. Then there's now, where I'm up late, my house is emasculate and I have boundless energy. It doesn't last. I'm not on meds now due to nursing, but I remember when I was on them how good I felt. Even to the point that when something should bother me, like my husband leaving us without money for food, rent, bills etc. because he spent it, I don't react. I need to find a balance. I pray I find a balance. Please pray for me. I will pray for all of you. Thank you. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 6 years ago. Sometimes i stay in bed for days. I still get up for work. I have periods of manic and depressive in 2 weeks and i don't know if I'm coming or going. I'm 25 years old i was in denial for 5 years. But all that time i longed for a normalcy. I've been job to job, Apt to apt spending sprees, and men. I have a few friends. I'm lucky they have always been there. I've lost lot of friends though when i drank too much , when i was manic . Nobody could quite understand why i was having so much trouble with normal life activity. My mother told me that if i get medicated maybe my father would like me again and want to talk to me. I'm sure all of us have these type of issues. Sometimes i feel like i'll never be normal i'll spend my life asking for favors, stepping on toes, and being rude without knowing it. Roommates kick me out cause i stay in bed or at the place too long they think I'm lazy. And men can't seem to understand my need to smother them. I can't take care of pets I'm sick 7 times out of the year. The past 5 years seem like a blur and I'm alone it seems everyday of my life. I'm so glad to have seen this web site . There are no support groups in my area. Reading stories makes me realize I'm not alone. I can't tell you how happy reading everybody else's story. I quit drinking, I run two miles every other day. I've lost 20 lbs, and I'm starting my meds. Thank you for letting me tell you my story and for letting me read yours. I am 42 years-old and have been bipolar since I was 18. That was when I had my first manic experience. I was put in the state hospital and given the usual medications. I got out, but never took the medications because I was recovered and didn't consider myself sick. When I had this breakdown I was a freshman in a very good college and because of my illness I had to leave school. The next sixteen years were a roller coaster ride of getting sick and getting well. I could go for years at a time without having a manic episode, usually 3 or 5, but later every two years I would have an episode. Still, I never took medications because I never realized I was sick. I only took meds in hospitals when I was forced to. I was arrested many times for my outrageous behavior and actions. My manias were the greatest. I never felt better or more confidant or closer to God. I didn't have anxiety or a care in the world. I thought I was rich or would soon become a millionaire. I was very creative; I could write the greatest poetry in a manic state. I think that is why some people don't want to take their medication--they miss the great way they feel. I know not everyone's manic episode is so great. Some people get fearful and paranoid and think the devil is out to get them. Anyway, I went a long time without taking medication. Finally, after my mania struck nine years ago and I got out of the hospital I started to take my meds. I could not tolerate lithium so I took depakote for a while. I didn't like the way that made me feel so I tried tegretol. My depressions were never really that bad so I didn't really take anti-depressants. Plus I always wanted to be on the least amount of medication as possible. I always thought and still do that medication was a way for people to be controlled. However, I have flourished on my medication even though I dislike taking it. I have flourished because once I realized I had an illness (I did a lot of reading and studying of bipolar disorder) I was able to go back to school at 35 years old and finally complete my college degree. I finished school at the age of 40 and became a high school English teacher. I have accomplished this with God's help and being on medication. I know I can go off my meds and not get sick for a while but it is a crap shoot. I never know when the illness can strike. For example, two years ago my doctor lowered my dose (tegretol) and I eventually went into a manic episode. Thank God this was in the summer when I wasn't working. I had gone seven years without a manic episode. My two months of mania were great. I did some good poetry writing, but I had to pay the price of being arrested and hospitalized. There is a connection between mania and creativity. But is being sick worth the price of being creative? This is an individual decision. Everyone has to make their own choices. I eventually did go back to work and am working full-time now teaching (a very stressful job). The point of my story that I would like to convey is that bipolar disorder is not a death sentence or the end of one's life. You can get well and accomplish things with God's help and your determination. Take it from someone who has been there and suffered through ten manic episodes over the course of twenty-four years. You can lead a good life and be bipolar. Find solace in other manic depressives because they truly understand what we go through. Things eventually will get better even though everyday can be a struggle. Good luck in your walk with bipolar disorder. God bless all my fellow manic depressives. To begin I just want to thank all of you who have helped me by reading about your experiences, through stories and poetry. Most likely I have had Bipolar my whole life. People used to think that it was only in your 20's that you saw Bipolar but now they are saying it is found in children too. Well I was a very serious child growing up. Also a very moody child. I was a very athletic teen though, and smart in classes. But my junior year my mood swings steadily got worse. I didn't really finish my junior year in high school because I was too depressed. I couldn't concentrate well, and was isolating myself away from people. I started eating a lot more and gained a lot of weight which made me even more depressed. I started packing everything in my room and throwing things away so that if I were to kill myself everything would be in order; or if I was going to run away my stuff would be together. When I got older things became more serious because you can get into worse troubles the older you get. I have not gone to jail, but I have almost been charged with reckless driving. I took the high school proficiency so that I passed high school. Back then my parents didn't know what to do with me. No one did. My best friend was so angry at me because she thought that I was just trying to get attention. I was so sick of her that it was pointless in talking to her anyway. I was the outgoing one, or so she had thought. The friend who always had the good ideas and who made everything fun. But deep inside I had this monster trying to get the best of me.
I am now 21 years old and I battle the monster everyday of my
life. My illness is labeled as a Bipolar Disorder. This illness
has alienated me from friends and family. Many people just think
that I am lazy when I don't get out of bed. But anyone who really
knows me knows that I love to do things. It is not in my hands
anymore when I am in my crazy depressions. I am under the control
of my illness. I am an artist and I am not as inspired when I
am on this medication. On the other hand I am not very inspired
when I can not think because I am so depressed. So it is a compromise
I suppose. I don't really know. I just wanted to tell anyone who
needs to know that you aren't a freak if you are diagnosed with
this. I hope that I could believe in that myself, and believe
in myself. One of my favorite quotes is by the poet robert frost-"The
best way out is always through". I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 2 years ago when i was 28. It's taken 2 years and counting to deal with the pain and embarrassment of all the things i did when i was manic. I bought $4000 worth of clothes in 10 minutes, I picked up guys off the street, I made sexual innuendos at just about every guy, I sent letters repeatedly to men who I thought made passes at me (letters went unanswered of course), I made a visit to my alma mater in kentucky and made a complete ass of myself on a panel, i ridiculed my former professors, i lost my boyfriend of 3 years (i viciously attacked him verbally and dumped him), I lost my job (fired), and I lost a whole slew of people who I thought were my real friends. And this is only maybe a quarter of my delusions then. I had never felt betrayal before until after recovering from md. I know that I angered and scared my friends but what I was really hurt by was how some wouldn't take me back, couldn't accept me. Other friends rose to the occasion and accepted me back with warm arms, but the one person who i thought was my "sister" did not. That still hurts a bit. I hate living with "my secret". Like when I meet new people, they always want to know more about me but for me 2 years of my life were a big fat haze. (Why did you leave your job? Well, I was fired for poor work performance and erratic behavior and irrational thinking that all my coworkers were out to get me). I always want to say that I should be two years younger because i didn't really live those 2 years of md and recovery from it. But it has gotten easier meeting new people, I have realized I only have to share about myself what I want to. I am not obligated to spill my guts to everyone I meet.
Lately, I have been social and it's been great (though no new
boyfriend yet). Still though I harbor paranoias that arose from
my manic daze when I thought two men were stalking me. I told
all my friends I was writing a novel about that. Oh the list of
embarrassing things goes on and on. Luckily now they don't linger
in me like they used to. My flashbacks used to torture me but
thanks to a combo of Luvox and Lithium I got back on track and
less obsessive compulsive. Now I am just on lithium and it seems
to do the trick. Thank god. I pray to never have another manic
episode again. We
can all survive this! ps - I really recommend regular exercise. 2 years ago I was sitting at home and I had gotten upset about not being able to go to New York with my chorus group. I was sick physically and unable to do anything. That night I went into a rage and decided that no one loved me because my parents were gone and had been for hours. About an hour later I had taken 12 pills and I was rushed to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. That night my brother and my boyfriend at the time had found out along with all my other friend. They cried and their band wrote a song for me. I realized that someone did love me. I was 15 and going through so many changes. I didn't understand why God had chosen me to carry this burden.
I'm 17 now and I'm off all meds. At the time I was diagnosed I
was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I was out of control. Sometimes
I get scared and depressed, especially when things happen really
bad in my life. But then I just think about having that tube down
my throat and knowing that I never want to go through that again.
No one listens to what I have to say. They just see another crazy
person. I don't think it's fair to treat me different, when sometimes
I'm not crazy as they are. But I believe it's been hard on me
because I didn't expect this. I had no family tree to look back
on and say "one day I may have a mental problem." But
it's not a problem it's a gift. I was diagnosed as bipolar in May last year. I was in the hospital for 10 days after becoming very manic. I thought the end of the world had come and I was trying to figure out if I was going to heaven or hell. It was pretty bad! My sister in law who knows almost nothing about manic depressive illness called me satan because I stood up to her for the first time and told her what I thought of her. She put down almost everything I ever did and said that her God was the true God. Not my God. Anyway I feel I am better off staying away from her at all costs because of how she could affect my health. Since my diagnosis in May, my mother died after battling diabetes and kidney failure and finally heart disease. My dog was run over and nearly died. We have to sell our house because of bad finances due to my illness. I lost 2 jobs including one in a church. My daughter has had problems and I blame myself for that. I have seen fear in my husband's eyes because of me. Needless to say my self esteem is near 0. I want to live, but yet I don't look forward to anything in life. Not the change of the seasons or holidays. We did not even put up a christmas tree last year. I wake up and think {could this really be my life?} My
father and those left in my family are a very poor support system
for me. There are stories there that would take took long to tell
but are very very painful. I have never been a really optimistic
person, but now being bipolar. I think life is a big pile of s__t.
Sorry if this is so bad that you would not want anyone to see
it, but it is deeply felt believe me. I love my husband and my
daughter and they love me, that is the only good thing about living
for me. I pray it gets better. God help me!
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