Q. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I became very ill and suicidal with depression about 3 years ago. I have fought the initial depressive chapter in my life which took a long time to overcome and I have only recently been able to outline a vague life for myself.

My history is being abused mentally and physically by child minders when I was very young e.g. being made to eat fish, which I am severely allergic to, then I would vomit because it reacted badly with my body and my child minder would make me eat my own sick supervised by her watchful eye. This started when I was 5 years old. I had several child minders and most of them managed to make me feel like an inferior being. I am 31 now. I have been receiving counseling for 2 years. I have the highest regard for my counselor. She has a difficult time with me and we have only just managed to separate my self punishing self from my 'original' self. I was raped twice when I was in my teens and the depression surfaced 3 years ago because I was molested on holiday and my ex- boyfriend did not try to stop the man from doing it even though he was in the room whilst it was happening. For some reason, I have chose to disbelieve my experiences even though I am calmly typing about them now. The moment I type it, I feel as if I am lying and making it all up and somehow I must be mistaken.

I am on Sereoxat 30mg and have been for 3 years. I am constantly offended and feel abandoned and threatened with abandonment by people who are close to me. I have only just begun to realize that these are symptoms of BPD. I also had problems with my Mother when I was growing up. She is very religious and I always seemed to disappoint her and annoy her. I am trying to get on with her now but it is difficult. My Mother is a lovely woman but there is a problem with our communication. I think she resents me for being born, because I was not planned. I love my parents and I feel extreme guilt every time I mention these issues. I always feel guilty. I used to burn myself with cigarettes but I only did it as a 'cry for help' during the intense part of the depression.

Despite my severe self-hatred for myself, I have a lovely boyfriend who knows that I have this illness. He has to tolerate a great deal of rage and tears and confusion. I always try to apologize. But I live in a recurring pattern of rages-tears-confusion-guilt-remorse-rages-tears-confusion-remorse. Every time I try to defend myself as a girlfriend in a relationship when he upsets me, it goes all wrong and I lose track of what my original complaint was.

At the moment, I am convinced that I am gay because I have had experiences in the past with women, but he does not seem to mind me telling him that I might be gay. But at the same time, I met a friend of his last night and even though I love my boyfriend, David, I found his friend overwhelmingly attractive. I do have morals and I am a very honest person. I told David that I felt special talking to his friend. My boyfriend is very creative, as I am, but I spend a great deal of time telling him that he does not spend enough time with me because he is too busy doing his own thing. I spend a large amount of time helping him in his personal and domestic advancement but he does not really help me with my studies as much as I would like. I am not blaming him; he is very loyal and consistent and cuddly and I am very lucky. But, from day to day my attitude towards everything changes and fluctuates unpredictably.

At the moment I think that I am gay, that I am a very bad person, that I am manipulative and that I am a liar and that all the sexual abuse I have spoken about, is a big lie.

I realize that I create negative situations but I try very hard to edit my thought patterns in order to speak without resentment or paranoia. I actively work on my thoughts every single day but life very difficult.

My questions are Is this normal to wonder about my sexuality? When I have intercourse with my boyfriend, I feel both enjoyment and assault at the very same time and it is so disorientating. Is this normal? ( I'm not being crude). I have difficulty concentrating on my studies and I feel severe frustration that I am not achieving enough and I hate myself for it. Is this normal? I feel like a liar and that I am lying to everyone and that I am just a scheming manipulator. Is this normal? I am constantly accusing my boyfriend of misdemeanors, some are real, some are not. It is all getting mixed up and he cannot tell, or chooses not to, when my complaints are real or imagined, and, neither can I. Is this normal?

I understand that you cannot answer all of my questions and I understand that, to a certain degree, you cannot interfere with my counselor's work but I would like more incite into my illness on a personal level.

A. Thank you for your message. You seem to have a great deal of insight into your behavior and are asking yourself the right questions. It appears that you are in a fairly supportive relationship that you enjoy. The support and structure of this relationship may provide you with enough confidence and certainty to begin to examine the questions you have about yourself. For this reason, it seems like these questions you asked of me are probably best left for your therapist/counselor. Exploring these in sessions and arriving at solutions and understandings for each of these areas will likely help you grow emotionally and interpersonally.

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