I have known about my bpd since freshman year of high school, but didn't start self-destructive behavior until a year after I graduated. I was cutting and taking pills to o.d., but now each episode gets closer and closer to something bad happening. At first, I would take only a small amount of pills, but my last episode (3 weeks ago) I took a ton of Tylenol with alcohol, my mom's hydrocodone, and a ton of my iron pills for my anemia. I'm anemic because last summer I went through a phase of "draining" my own blood via some IV angiocaths from the hospital. I wanted to see how far I could go before getting lightheaded and dizzy, and when it happened, it didn't feel good at all. I remember passing out on the floor near the AC vent because I was going into shock and felt hot. Lying there, I could feel my cat coming up and sniffing me, then getting on my back, and all I could think of is, I hope he doesn't sense what is going on. Through all that, I can't really remember the dread I felt at that moment, so Ilong to feel that way again-dizzy, lightheaded, unconnected, on the edge of something big.

Now I'm 24 and I am back living with my parents after numerous failed attempts to do something, like finish college or get a job to support myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be here forever. It's strange, ever since I can remember, I have hated my parents getting close to me, physically. I get freaked out when they hug or kiss me, and I can't hug them back, and would never kiss them. I can't eat after them, or drink after them, and I even have trouble going to the bathroom after them. Yet I was never physically or sexually abused by them. Instead I look for constant affection from men, and almost always the physical contact is sex. It's good enough for me at the time, but then I want him to stay in my life forever and touch me and kiss me and support me.

My reason for having training in a medical profession came when I thought, if I love the rush and adrenaline of emergency medicine, the place I crave to be, why not be on the other side of it, being the one in charge, not the patient for once. I've had 2 jobs in the medical field, but had breakups and o.d. and cut myself, forcing me to lose my jobs.

The guy I'm seeing now is pretty dysfunctional himself, and he has temper problems, drinks a lot, and at first I didn't like him, until something clicked in my brain, like, "he likes you, dummy, he is someone who might take care of you forever," and now I'm almost obsessed with him. The fact that he is dysfunctional almost comforts me because for a long time I've felt that no "normal" guy would ever want me. One guy I dated said, "When I first met you, I thought you were perfect. Then I found out about your problems." That's nice. As much as I hate the disease, I felt that it is a part of me, and there is no imperfections with me, or anyone. Everything is an essential part of me.

Spring is right around the corner, and it seems that I can only function decently in the summer, so I've got to prepare for the three months when I'm a person again.

Is there anybody out there whom will listen? You all look at the strange things I (unintentionally) do or say and laugh.  Do you think that I want to be this way?

How would you like to wake up everyday hoping that you don't take your own life, or wake up and think "Oh, my God, I hope that I don't do or say anything stupid or inappropriate today like yesterday."

How would you feel if you asked someone for their opinion and kept getting blown off, while whenever anyone else would ask them something, and that person gets an answer?  I am not looking for sympathy; merely for understanding, people. People tell us "oh, that�s all in the past." Well, not for those of us whom are mentally ill. Everyday I see things (places, etc.) that brings the pain flooding back. You tell us when we go to you for spiritual based counsel "I don't think you're mentally ill." Would you say to someone that has cancer and in need of counsel to deal with it "I don't think you have cancer."? I didn't think so.

How would you like to be afraid of getting reprimanded whenever an authority figure asks to speak with you just because of how authority figures had abused you in the past in front of others, and even now you cannot enter the military or get afraid when you see police (though you have not done anything wrong) because of the way you perceive authority as abusive or something to be feared, and not something to get along with.

How would you like to have been so abused in school that even now you will not attend reunions because seeing those people both again and successful while you are still at home at 31 years old makes you angry at how un feeling they were? Don't give me that shit "all kids are like that." I write letters to people wanting at least an acknowledgment that they received my letter that I sent telling them what has been happening.

How would you people like it to also not attend reunions or weddings because you feel so inadequate that you are afraid if anyone asks you what you have been up to, and you tell them of your low-paying job and still being at home and are afraid that they would laugh, that you would actually physically harm them? Don't give me the shit "just ignore the  girl" about why I should go to the wedding; isn't that why you go to those fucking things? I know that if I would have been able to, and didn't have morals, that there would have been a few incidents back in school.

You all that are not mentally ill have no idea how something can seethe inside you still after all these years as if it just happened to you. We try, but a lot of us cannot "just get over it." The pain and our tears are real. We just want to be understood, not f eared or just as bad; ridiculed.

But how can we help you to understand that we need to talk to someone (not  just a therapist, either) if you just keep blowing us off? No wonder I quit trusting and talking to people. I would love to see those of you whom have laughed at me( or would) try to deal with the fears and angers associated with BPD just for 6 months. Let's see who's still laughing then.

I'm 24 now, going on 25, and was diagnosed with BPD four years ago. All of my life I have been a shy creature...afraid to do a lot of things but wanting to so desperately. High School years were terrible for me, so I created a character that would laugh a lot and tell a lot of jokes so no one could get to the real terrified me. My College years just amplified that persona, and drew me into a terrible depression after a party gone wrong. I've been hospitalized, and treated with many anti-depressants and anxiety meds...but well, I've chosen poetry as more of a release these days. It doesn't leave me with the Euphoria that I felt on those medications. Here is a poem I wrote last year about the cycle I know I go through, and probably many of you go through too!

"The Demon Within"

There is not a day it doesn't come
The webbing falling down
The pictures fading from my mind
Silence the only sound

Happiness does not remain
The walls turn crimson red
The knocking sound continues
My conscious fills with dread

Whispers float around the room
Yet I am in the space alone
Time drifts by so slowly
My body turns to stone

Like the mirror on the wall
An image appears ahead
Try to make my body move
But it just sinks like lead

She shouts with bitterness and hate
Things I cannot dispel
Her voice shrieks so loudly
I fall into my hell

I cannot run or hide from her
And so I take her in
Suffering through another night
The demon under my skin

My night continues filled with rage
Hating every sin
I hurt, I cry, I hate myself
I guess I let her win

I awaken in the morning time
To another bitter day
Time to act the part again
Keeping her at bay

I wonder what I'll tell the man
Who thinks he holds my heart
I fear one day this demon
Will tear the both of us apart

And I'll be left here in my cage
Waiting for us to reunite
Thinking about what it is I need
For me to win this fight...

...Like I said, it's a constant struggle...but I manage. Thank you all for sharing your stories; it's nice to know I'm not the only one out there!

I've been to the ocean,
there are no fish in the sea!
Lord, won't you please help me!
Before I start this car,
A girl who can't be left alone,
I don't know where you are!
If I turn the key, I will leave this world
that will be the end of me!
I was married to a man
who said he loved me most,
and for years he used to say those words,
and always used to boast!
But for reasons, I fear, I will never know,
He lied and cheated and left our happy home.
But worst of all he left...
A girl who can't be left alone!
I've been to the ocean,
there are no fish in the sea!
My broken heart will never mend,
The pain I feel will never end,
In my hand, I hold the key,
Lord, won't you please help me!
A girl who can't be left alone,
I'll start this car, I'll turn to stone!
I've been to the ocean,
there are no fish in the sea!
If he'd only come back home,
and love the girl he left alone,
My ship will have come to shore,
I won't need this key anymore!

February 6, 2001

How can you not love me anymore?
You were always my ship,
I was always your shore!
We were coming out of some stormy seas,
How can you not love me anymore?
I can't go on, not knowing how you feel!
You may have signed some papers,
You may have made a deal.
You never gave me the chance
to make things right, to have my say,
I am slowly, very slowly,
slipping away,
slipping away...
into a cold night, I will slip away!
I miss you so badly, the pain I can't endure
How can you not love me anymore?
After 18 years of life together,
How can you just shut the door...
and not love me anymore?
Some say I'm a fool to say,
I haven't stopped loving you,
and I don't know how to make my own way.
After all you've put me through,
Not knowing how you feel is driving me insane,
and I feel myself, slowly, very slowly,
slipping away,
slipping away...
into a cold night, I will slip away!

February 16, 2001

I try to hang on, but nothing goes my way,
People are yelling, I don�t care what they say,
I�m tired of everything, I sit here and cry,
Thinking bad thoughts and wanting to die,
I�ve never felt this frustrated my whole life,
I cut and I bleed, I just love my knife,
No one understands just how much I feel,
Just how much I work for my soul to heal,
But nothing seems to help, it feels so bad,
I�m overwhelmed with feelings, I feel so sad,
Something is just very, very wrong,
I try to fight it, I try to be strong,
I smoke some weed and get so high,
Somedays all I wanna do is die,
I hate my feelings and what they make me do,
Life is hard, and its getting worse too,
You say I�ll be fine, but that�s just a lie,
I�m still alive, and I ask myself why.

Three days ago you said you'd email me, am I delusional??? I�ve been checking my email past couple days but no emails from you.  Last night in the end of our phone call you said you'd talk to me today; am I still delusional??  I was home all day but you didn't call ....... it seems as though I am not very important to you..

I really do not know why I am writing this email to you now..pursuing more non existent attention and affection I suppose. Delusional again like you seemed to enjoy calling me. I think "brief psychotic episode" is a more accurate term if you are seeking hurtful psychiatric phrases to hurl like little ninja throwing stars at my already torn and bleeding heart.

Well at least my other partners may not have been capable of some levels of involvement but they did not physically abandon me when I had previous breakdowns. They continued to provide (emotional) caring, support and security as best they could, and other problems were not entirely their fault.

Your abandonment of us ,our life together, and who I am , when it is difficult, is in fact, quite typical male behavior, and not, in my opinion very honorable, and certainly not what I had expected from you whom I had looked up to and respected a great deal and also learned over many months to trust.

Even objectively, if it was not ME in the situation I still would not think highly of you pulling out and ditching any person who was ill and in such a low and vulnerable period of time.

I know now that you are now just looking out for yourself which I guess I must do now as well, and once again rely only on myself, and shift back to that old familiar pattern of being tough and impenetrable, and have to do everything alone in my life with enormous amount of responsibility, and having "useless" men to cope with as well which I had longed to be free from.

I thought I had finally found someone (you) to be with and to trust and be safe with and be open with and be myself with and be my real whole self, for example: sexual, intellectual, emotional ....but now something difficult arrived for us to handle together, and it seems you changed the rules and the game is now every man for himself and it is not safe and I should not love because the one you love will (and does) hurt you the most..

So here we are guarded and self preserving which does not really work well in a loving giving harmonious flow.

And those agreements we made?? how can they possibly apply now?