Q. It is very painful for me to write this email, but I found a book, "I hate you, don't leave me", that was hidden in my husband's jacket. I know for a fact that he is currently seeking treatment from a psychologist and we are seeking treatment from my psychologist because his behavior is ruining our marriage. My husband doesn't discuss what's going on in his therapy with me. He told me his therapist gave him a four hour test, and I've seen him reading the book, that he hides when I approach him. I am writing you today, because I would like to know how to support him if he has this disorder. He told me once that his therapist said he had "Borderline Depression." Is this the same thing?

I am thoroughly frustrated because his episodes of anger are increasing. He has developed a pattern of rage that recur at least 2 times a week. I don't want to respond with any actions that will fuel the rage. I would like some suggestions on how to help him, our marriage, and me.

A. Thank you for your recent message. I'm not aware of a formal diagnosis called borderline depression but it may be used descriptively to describe someone who experiences sadness that borders on a depressive illness. However, this is unlikely, especially given the fact that you have seen him read the book "I hate you, don't' leave me". This book was a popular book from the late 1980's that was one of the first books to describe borderline personality disorder in everyday terms. Borderline personality disorder is actually quite common among people who seek outpatient therapy. Understanding the disorder and its effects on the client and family members is a good start in terms of helping. Be patient though. Gradually learn more about it. After reading about bpd and learning about the disorder through websites like this one may make it easier to determine whether you think your husband meets the criteria for bpd. If possible, ask if you can speak to his psychologist about his treatment and diagnosis. Your husband may or may not want you to be part of his treatment at this time. Respect that instead of fighting it.

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