Q. I am writing this just after a very difficult phone conversation with my therapist of three years in which I was crying hysterically telling her how much I wish I could have a different relationship with her. I am 33 years old and I see her three times a week yet it is never enough. I went through two years with her before we figured out I was borderline personality disorder. She saw me four to six times a week, thinking it would keep me from committing suicide. She even made me food when I was getting extremely thin. My brother had died just before I started seeing her and we thought I was having a nervous breakdown from the loss. I did go to the hospital a few times but always talked my way out. My therapist finally realized that she was doing more harm than good to me and began putting up boundaries and limits. I of course took this as total abandonment and have spent the last year hostile and angry at her. I am slowly coming out of that but still have these "relapses" in which I lose all control and sob and sob over wishing I was her daughter. I realize now that I wanted my therapist to take care of me and no one else. I have a very nonexistent social life but I am functional to the point of working as a case manager.

My therapist tries to tell me I long for the "object" and not really her. I can understand all that intellectually as I have a degree in Psych. and have done quite an extensive amount of reading on the BPD disorder. I have been on numerous medications most of which have done more harm that good. I have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, Bipolar Disorder II, Depression, and BPD. My moods are so out of control sometimes, I feel like I have no idea who the real me is. The worst is the agitation and rage which forces me into extreme crying spells and sometimes self-destructive and harmful behavior. I feel like I am destroying my therapy relationship but I have no control over it. My therapist pushes very hard to get me to find other outside resources. I feel like I can't though and I get so depressed, I sometimes feel as though I can't leave the house. She keeps saying now that she is very concerned that the transference is too much and the therapy is hurting me. There is no way I would ever stop seeing her so please don't advise that. She knows this so she doesn't bring that up anymore but just keeps saying how horrible the situation is because of how much pain seeing her causes me. I feel confused, lost, horribly scared of losing her, and mad at myself for messing all this up. I am sorry this is long but I need help. How can I stop wanting so much from her?

A. Your situation is very difficult and very complex. Your question centered around your needs/wants from your therapist. Creating a dependency on a therapist, especially in the early stages of treatment, is quite common for many clients. However, these issues do need to be discussed in sessions with the ultimate goal of decreasing dependency on a therapist and increasing independent functioning. You may want to begin to focus on these issues with your therapist more at this time. Setting limits and boundaries is an important phase in treatment, especially helping a client grow in his/her independence. With your psychology background, intellectualizing things can be the easy part. Making emotional change is often the more challenging piece. Therefore, you may want to focus on emotionally adjusting to increased independence rather than trying to understand why you want what you want from your therapist.

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