Q. I left my husband when my daughter was 7 and my son was 4. We had lived in a rural setting. After 3 years my ex remarried and moved his new wife into our former home. Her two children occupied the former bedrooms of my children. My ex saw the children very rarey (almost never) and when I finally moved an hour away, he stopped seeing them altogether. Also, he stopped sending child support and I had to go to court several times regarding this. There was no alimony in PA, where I had lived previously and I worked full time to support myself and the children, pay medical bills and all the other bills that a head of a household would incur. We didn't have family or any other support system other than my seeing a therapist for emotional support. I tried therapy with my children, too. My daughter has the borderline personality disorder and now 38, married with one child and I hope in some sort of recovery with a therapist. She is a very classic case but thank god no drugs or alcohol to any great extent. My concern, for many years, is the power that she seems to have over her brother. She is extremely manipulative and when he was fifteen and very needy she started filling his head with ideas of leaving home and he became hostile toward me.

She left home at 17 after several years of chaotic behavior that just about destroyed our family. My son was always a great kid but he suddenly quit his job and started hanging around with the wrong people. He eventually moved in with her after she won a settlement from one of her many car (as passenger) accidents.

My son is now 35 and according to a very nasty letter she just wrote me, is suffering from depression. My son is homosexual and I have known this since he was sixteen and have accepted this fact and embraced him and his honesty about it. My children have been very abusive toward me (although we've had some good years, too) and I haven't seen my son in six years. He walked out of our home in a big angry, nasty, huff after he told us he declared bankruptcy and quit his job. This was not the first angry display.

I haven't seen my daughter in 21/2 years. My husband of sixteen years and I have tried to be supportive to both my children and even offering education and therapy. My big question is: Could my daughter possibly have influenced and manipulated my son's view of me and life (over the years) to the point that he now has traits of or could be a BPD? I know that a few years ago he was diagnosed as co-dependent, if that means anything. When I have been with them together I've noticed that he hardly speaks for himself. It's as if he had become an appendage of her. I know that my daughter has said some very heavy duty, nasty things about me over the years and I've seen my son's attitude toward me change drastically.

I have made a success of my life in many, many ways. I am sorry to say that I can't include raising children to be giving members of society.

A. I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Unfortunately, your situation is far too complex for me to even guess as to the hows and whys of what may have transpired between your daughter and son. Regardless of any reasons, it sounds from your description that you may want to work on improving your relationship with your son. Spending time with him and developing an adult relationship with him will likely be the only thing that will offset any ideas or beliefs that may have been instilled in him. It will take a long time to re-develop a relationship. Be patient. Keep trying.

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