Q. I have been in a relationship with a very special man for the past five months and believe he is suffering from borderline personality disorder. He has fluctuations between placing me on a pedestal and then calling me a liar, having hidden agenda's and not being able to trust me. His background is one of hostile arguments between parents and abandonment. He has a huge capacity for anger, anxiety and fluctuates between arrogance and lack of self-worth.

I am currently in the state of "abandoning him" for leaving a job where we both worked together and he is punishing me by telling me he wants nothing of me, will not see me, to date other men and not to call him, he will call me. So I do not aggrieve him, and with a genuine desire to be by his side though the positive and negatives of the relationship, how should I handle this "separation". Can I believe him that he will call - or is this a cry for help to see if I will be there for him?

 

 A. Separation "threats" and "acts" are very common among people with borderline personality disorder. Trying not to react strongly to these acts or threats can be very helpful to the relationship. He has been very specific with you (i.e., he wants nothing of me, will not see me, to date other men and not to call him, he will call me) so you may want to clarify his decision with him and then decide how you want to proceed. Getting overly emotional and reactive to these comments does not serve anyone well. You may want to write to him to re-state what you heard, to indicate your current state of thinking (i.e., whether you plan to date other men, whether you are willing to wait, whether you still have feelings for him, etc....) and to give him an opportunity to "save face". Many times, comments such as the ones above are made during very emotional moments, and he may or may not really want to proceed this way. Your reaching out gives him an opportunity to "take back" what he said and to talk more specifically how your leaving the workplace has made him feel. Being strong and consistent is most helpful during these times.

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