Q. I am was dating a girl I knew from high school. She says that her father was abusive. Her ex husband was abusive as well as controlling. We have been dating for a year. Our relationship has been rocky to say the least. She told me last summer that she was starting to care for me too much. I told her I loved her she said for me not to say that. We split up in the end of December for two weeks she came back to me and not long after told me she loved me . lasted 1.5 months. Last night a friend of mine rode by her house and two of her male friends were there. She had said she would call me. I called her at 12:30 am to talk and she said I was smothering and controlling. I love her and her son very much. I do things for her to make her special romantic dinners gifts and presents for her and her son. How do I get her back ? How do I work through the borderline personality disorder to continue our relationship? She says that she loves me that she couldn't ask for better or build a nicer or better boyfriend. She also says that she doesn't know why she treats me as badly as she does . I had spoken to my mothers therapist and she seemed to think borderline personality disorder is her diagnosis.

A therapist I went to for one session seems to think my girlfriend has BPD. I have seen her be the most loving woman one minute and a completely hateful woman the next. She says her father was abusive as well as her Ex husband. I have seen her rage at complete strangers, myself, and her son. She says she loves me and pushes me away a couple of days later. She has a low self esteem and distorted body image. I love her and want to work our relationship out. I have endured a lot of emotional and verbal abuse (none physical). what are the treatments available? What can I do to maintain the relationship and get this in control with out aggravating her or overstepping my bounds?

 

 A. You had two questions (1. what are the treatments available? 2. What can I do to maintain the relationship and get this in control with out aggravating her or overstepping my bounds?). First of all, does you friend want treatment. There are many therapeutic approaches to providing treatment for someone with behaviors/symptoms that you described. However, most therapies depend strongly on the willingness and motivation of the person. You may want to start here. Talk to your friend about your strong feelings for her (and her son) and your wanting to continue with her. Then you may want to begin talking about the behaviors that are upsetting to you and whether she feels she can manage those behaviors without any professional help. She may want to try to see if she can handle these behaviors/emotions first on her own before deciding to seek help. If she does want to seek help, consult your local mental health authority and ask for a referral to a therapist with skills and experiences with relationships and/or personality disorders. In terms of your second question, there isn't much you can do other than sharing your feelings with her and being clear with her about your limits and boundaries. Be clear about what you are willing to endure, what you won't allow happen to you, and how these limits help preserve your self-respect. She also needs to set limits to help preserve her self-respect and self-esteem. If she can set some limits or boundaries (when she's willing to accept phone calls, what she needs or can't tolerate in her relationship with you) then it also gives you some information to work with so you don't "overstep your bounds". Good luck and take care,

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