Q. My husband fits all the characteristics for borderline personality disorder and 3 mos. ago attempted suicide as he believes he may be bisexual. He confessed to 3 or 4 homosexual acts over the last four years. Might he at 42 years old, 12 years of marriage and a child be gay/bi or might these acts have been due to the BPD and stress-related? He is in therapy currently with a psychiatrist who is trying to help him with the sexual orientation and other issues like mood swings, self loathing, erratic and sometimes compulsive behavior. He was physically (moderately) and very emotionally abused as a child.

I guess I am trying to understand the cause and effect of his situation and determine whether there is any point to staying in the marriage. He seems to be able to control his urges but if he is suddenly "gay/bi" there is little point to remain married.

 

A. Clearly you bring up some very sensitive issues for yourself, your husband, and your marriage. I'm impressed that you and your husband are taking time "to breathe first" and seek some professional assistance rather than just react in a knee-jerk fashion to end your marriage. The steps you are taking are very important and I just encourage you to work through them together.

Of course the outcome is unknown. It is very difficult to assess whether the BPD and other emotional troubles are the "cause" of his experimentation with bisexuality. It is equally difficult to know whether his emotional troubles are the "end result or effect" of having struggled with these sexuality issues over many years. Therefore his work with his therapist will be very helpful in gaining a better understanding of his situation. In the meantime, try to remember that issues such as these are rarely (if ever) due to the marital partner or the relationship per se. Typically these are very personal and internal issues that the person has been struggling with long before entering into a marriage. So be gentle with yourself, try not to blame yourself, and, if possible, take time to be supportive to you, your children, and him.

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