Q. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 1991. At first I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Prior to this diagnosis I was in treatment, 1988-89. It wasn't a very good experience as the therapist ignored my complaints of feeling fragmented, etc. I eventually ended up in the Psychiatric ward of a hospital for three months, after trashing my apartment, planning my suicide by asphyxiation and then attempting to hang myself. I received no treatment per se' but was basically observed. I was discharged with a diagnosis of PTSD and alcoholism, 1989.

In 1990-91 I saw 7 different Psychiatrists. None of them expressed a desire to work with me, as I was in Prison after freaking out and damaging property. The Dr. who diagnosed me with schizophrenia was rude, and condescending. One of the treating Psychiatrists refused me a vitamin supplement and I lost it again and she drugged me up with Doxepin. I lost it again and tore into my arm with a pen top. She then sedated me with Mellaril for three months. I was discharged with a bag full of meds and no place to go.

After my experiences with these kinds of so called professionals, I cannot get beyond my fear of them, my distrust of them or my anger at what has been done to me, in order that I may get the help I need. I have approached several Psychologists with PhD's, Mental Health, but I just do not trust them with my psyche any longer. I have had a lot of negative stuffed dumped in my lap from some of these people. One Doctor simply refused to treat me. I thought a Professional person would be more sympathetic.

Do You have any suggestions, books you could recommend, that may help me work through this problem. I feel like my life will slowly slip away from before I get the help I need and desire.

 

A. From your message it really sounds like you would like to get into treatment again but a large obstacle to overcome is distrust of professionals. I'm glad that there is a part of you that wants to continue to seek treatment and, for now, you may want to trust that instead of anyone else. Distrust can be healthy if it helps protect yourself from harm's way. It also serves to remind you to enter into relationships gradually and only as confidence in their approach builds. Use your distrust adaptively by "screening" potential therapists/doctors over the phone, making an appointment to interview them, and deciding whether you would like to proceed with him/her. Don't be afraid to tell a therapist about your past experiences with other professionals and what you want/and don't want now.

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