Q. I am 56 and have been in therapy for 40 years, having seen at last count about 36 therapists. Have been hospitalized 2x for depression. have overdosed and slit my wrists, and even tried to hang myself in my younger yrs. Have been on every kind of anti-depressant (now on Prozac) and am doing MUCH better. For some reason, it feels better to just put a label to this disease. I was in A.A. and N.A. for 10 yrs, and no longer am in program. I love being "out of control" (high), but I have it all under control now. Problem is that I AM and have ALWAYS been (even when I was married for 2 yrs, many yrs. ago) DETACHED. I'm like an amorphous being, have NO feelings whatsoever, except now for justifiable anger. That, too is now under control. I have been diagnosed as "chronically " depressed, bi-Polar, and now the latest: borderline personality disorder. Knowing how and why, and even IF, is just the booby prize, as the importance is really, HOW to change this.....something in me prevents me from feeling........ and I don't know HOW to get unstuck. I obviously, DO want to be "Normal", as I am STILL seeing a therapist.

 

A. Given your description of your history, it sounds like it may be helpful to explore reasons you have remained "detached" from others, how it has benefited you in the past, and what, if any, feelings you can remember from your past that were unpleasant. The question may not be whether you are "able to feel" but rather whether you are "avoiding" feelings for one reason or another. My guess is that "avoiding" has served you well over the years and you have become very proficient at doing so. Are you ready to "unlearn" this approach and open yourself up to new experiences? Only you and your therapist can explore this.

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