Borderline Personality Disorder Discussions

Caution: This material can be triggering.

I am so alone today he has gone away why i am surprised I don't know for everyone goes away..from my family to friends they can't cope and how could they for I can't either. i can't understand how or when it will ever go away !let up give me a break! Only the cutting the pain the blood brings relief..my dad always told me I was not ever going to be worth anything and seems as though he was right, nothing that is except for having sex with. Nothing except for breaking of my bones and that is all life has ever given me so he must be right. The darkness the loneliness, the ever insistent whisper of the voices the pain the pain the guilt this is my world how unfair to ever have asked him to share it with me .i can't stay much longer I am sure but at least i am alive today. thanks for giving me this place where it was for a minute ok to say what really lives inside of me.

I have been diagnosed with BPD for a little over year now. It was a wonderful thing to finally be able to put a name to all the outrageous things I was doing. One of the major problems that I was dealing with was self-mutilating. I began cutting at the age of 15 and I am turning 21 soon. I had a son when I was 19, got married soon after, and then moved 2 hours away from my family and friends. All the changes affected me greatly and my cutting got worse. One day I cut and called for assistance from a mobile crisis unit. I explained to them my situation and they decided to take it as a suicide attempt. So along with the ambulance, 3 police cruisers wound up in front of my house. The ambulance took me to the hospital and the police stayed at my house with my son until my husband got home, they would not let me take him. The next day I was visited by a worker from Social services and a few weeks later a letter came in the mail saying they had found me guilty of neglect. I was devastated and out of habit began cutting even more. One day I cut very badly and had to go to the hospital to get 9 stitches. The crisis worker at the hospital decided not to report me to social services that time but warned me that if it happened again, I would be reported and they might take my son away.

All of this took place almost a year ago. May 11,2000 will be my one year anniversary of not cutting. It took a lot of determination and strength that I didn't know I had. But I did it. I'm not completely better yet, I still think about cutting and I still have other issues to deal with. But the cutting is basically behind me, my son is more important than anything and I'm glad I realized that in time.

This is my first time reading anything off this website, and I am here researching both into my own bpd and for a project for school, where I am studying to be a drama therapist. For the past two semesters, I have heard teachers and students say that borderlines are the most frightening cases to work with, that ice flows into their veins when they come in contact with one. They just...KNOW! Today I broke the news to this group of individuals that there had been...GASP... a borderline in their midst all this time! :) I think they are now re-thinking their attitudes! I was angry when I was first diagnosed. I already knew that I had addiction issues, self-mutilation, depression and problems with rage. But borderline? "Borderline what?!" I demanded. My therapist sent me to the library to check out some literature. I found one book that was helpful (I think it was called Shattered Selves). At least, the cover with the broken mirror pieces was aesthetically pleasing! Anyway, after feeling trapped in relationships that aren't good for me for so long, I have finally risked my fear of abandonment and dumped this last one. 

I am scared to death of being alone, but I had to take that step sometime. Seeing the support of this board helps me feel good and not want to slash myself all up instead of doing my paper. I hope everyone out there is feeling well this evening.

"My Armor"

I have another side of me,
one which I'm scared to show.
It's covered in a heavy coat,
Its size you'll never know.

I have a mask I wear,
But only around you.
I wear it around people
Who would betray me, too.

I have some shoes I wear
That let me fly away
If people get too close to finding
That I'm not O.K.

Although I have this outfit,
I wish that I did not.
I found myself left with no choice,
Although I kicked and fought.

So now I wear this armor
Because no one will care.
If somebody could listen
I would more than gladly share.

I am a 52-year-old female BPD. Academic. Mother of 5 more-or-less grown up kids. Married for 3rd time. Between jobs and waiting for a disability pension.

Wrote these 2 small poems for a creative writing course I did at university a few years back.

********

A Borderline Primer in Philosophy

The shroud of this sunny day
Enfolds and intensifies the clinical glare
Of the operation lamp
Staring at the emotional hemophiliac pinned to
Life's dissection table.

It's OK to cut.
Take a chunk or two.
But please, keep your incisions neat;
Cut gingerly.
After all, we're mutually beneficial:

You get a layer of the onion and
I get closer to the truth.

*****

Handy Household Hint for Borderlines
What do you do when you feel yourself
Stepping out of your self,
Feel your flexible features transforming themselves
Into a baked clay death mask?

And how about when this other - alien but comfortingly familiar - self
Sits down beside the newborn stranger,
Desperately searching for the nearest
Exit?

What? It's never happened to you?
(But if it ever did, you'd call the desperate seeker Betty
And next time, you'd
Leave Betty at home.)

SORROW

Loneliness creeps in like a thief in the night...
(absolute darkness) 
Cloaked in black and careless...
(incessant silence)
It surrounds me stealing my soul...
(relentless aching) 
Depleting everything inside of me...
(endless longing)
While filling me with emptiness... 
(colorless essence)
The devastation of depredation...
(merciless nothingness)
Sorrow.

Longing to feel...

I look through this window of blue, 
with fear and doubt of what lies ahead
I press my finger tips upon this window,
and feel the coldness that lays heavy against the glass,
This room from which I live is somewhat small,
but I am hidden from where my fears are born.
I am safe from all that threatens 
what is left of my heart,
and every day I wonder what it's like
to live without fear, without doubt 
and to have inner peace consume your every soul 
I see the beauty that life has promised,
and reach to open the window 
only to realize it cannot be opened
I can only see, all that is of wonder, beauty
and peace that fills this pane of glass, 
but never can I take it for my own, 
for there is a wall that surrounds my heart,
and it is a prisoner from that which 
awaits just outside this window 
I feel my soul trying to escape from
the wall that binds it to this darkness,
day after day I pray for freedom to
rescue me from this prison of pain.
I ask for faith in what has been promised
and pray for trust to get me through .
If one could only see through this
prison of sadness that I live, One would see
A life wanting to live, wanting to love
but, trapped to the fear of the unknown 
and bound to the pain 
that has embraced my dying heart, 
Oh how I long to be saved from this misery
Is there one who possesses the strength 
to withstand the power of this wall 
that traps my soul from life, and 
imprisons my heart from love? 
Lord Jesus! Please break away this prison 
that I have built and release this soul that
longs to live and heal this heart that
longs to love and be loved. 
For what is life without a soul
and a heart without you?
I give to you, Lord Jesus, 
the key that opens the door 
to my prison of pain. 
Please Lord, 
Will you Save me?

In a dream.  In Reality. If the words were to flow, what would happen?  My mind is full and so is life.  The confusions, distractions and life itself. To spit it out, to let it loose.  Go out on a limb, pull it back again. Like the dream, you scream, nothing comes out.  Oh, is my thoughts and words.  Poetic justice, life on paper.  Can it come out, bit by bit?  If I make it, if I force it, then the magic will lose it's meaning.  Let it out, let it go.  What's the fear, come tell me now.  The emptiness is silently killing; The creative genius deep inside.  What happened to her?  Where did she go?  What became of her?  The passion of art, the passion of thought. The music, the life of others.  Compassion choked.  The real spirit buried under the ruble of all.  All, of all, that terrible all.  Created by some, but mostly by self.  A door mat, a thing.  Stop it you fool!  It's never too late to wake up and take your right place.  Stand up and be held accounted for you, your life, your actions!  Yes, the bed is yours, you have made.  Get out of it.  Make it again!  Where is that girl, where did she go?  Find her, please find her!  She's lost and so cold.  She's aloneand frightened and needs your attention.  She's inside of you and only you know how to reach her.  to teach her and let her know she's okay.  Reach right in, pull her out.  If she needs to, let her shout.  Let her scream, let her cry.  Let her laugh, let her sigh.  Let her play, but Please...let her out!!

Have I lost My Mind

Much pain I had suffered at the hands of my own family
but they�re not here to punish and hurt me anymore
So why do I need to be punished and be hurt as before
Have I lost my mind

I learned at very young age that I was nothing of any value>
I was constantly reminded day after day
So why are people trying to take that old truth away
Have I lost My Mind

No one has ever loved me, I know that for sure
They have all had a motive, very far from pure
How could I possibly believe anything else
Have I Lost My Mind

I feel that I was chosen to walk through this life alone
I really don�t like it but it�s all that I have known
It�s better that way, there is no one I can trust
Have I Lost My Mind

I fear contact with the people outside my domain
So isolate myself here, to keep myself sane
The doors and windows locked up, ever so tight
With all the curtains closed, it�s darker than night
Have I lost My Mind I know I�m alone here, safe in my house
So what are these voices, that squeak like a mouse
They�re not very comforting, you see
Their business is to constantly remind me, of me
Have I lost My Mind Can I really be the only one who knows what I mean
Hasn�t anyone felt like this  or seen what I�ve seen
I have tried to search, but nothing I find
Have I Lost My Mind