Borderline Personality Disorder in Older People

i also agree that as i have become older i have become more isolated. tho i have engaged in a "new" relationship about a year ago, i still find myself wanting to pull away. much of it does have to do with my previous behavior in past relationships as you wrote in your letter, but i think a lot of it has to do with the responses from others to my past behaviors, as well.

i have come to the point to where i can understand somewhat how my behaviors came to be and how i acted on the fears of abandonment and isolation from others. i can accept that this is the basis for my disease process and i have learned how to change my thoughts and actions and realize that my beginnings do not necessarily make for my end (for the most part).

but i still think at times that everyone may find me as reproachable as i think i am. i'm not so worried about my past behaviors as i guess i am about how others will react to me now. i, too, find that i am burned out with relationships. i'm tired of pretending to be things that i'm not. i'm tired of pretending to be happy..to be sad.. to be sane. i'm tired of the "eggshells" that i see in myself, not so much those that are seen by others. i've learned enough about my disease to now be appropriate with others and sometimes i just don't WANT to be appropriate with myself. i want to just be left alone to my thoughts and feelings, or lack thereof, and hide in my own world whether it's screwy or not.

i don't want to be in a situation where i have to fear others or myself. i want to be just me.

i admit that i still, daily, deal with suicidal thoughts. not always the ideations and attempts, but still the thoughts. i have accepted that this, too, is part of my disease process and as long as i can remember that i do ok. but sometimes, especially this time of year, i don't want to fight even those feelings. i'm not actively suicidal, but i do tire of the race against myself. i seem to do that better when i'm alone than when i'm with others. with others it feels like i can't feel or think about it because it's not 'appropriate' and i'm sick of bothering those around me with what goes on in my head and my heart despite their words of encouragement and support. when i'm by myself i don't have to worry about it. i can just handle it all as best as i can without feeling a burden.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that much of my wanting to isolate isn't so much the fear of my behaviors as it is dealing with the responses of those around me to my thoughts and behaviors. does that make any sense??

i also agree that it's much lonelier with others than it is with myself. i don't have to always be entertained. so how sick is all of this?? lol