Borderline Personality Disorder in Older People

I am a 41 year old that was only diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) less than a year ago. I am thankful that I have been told that I only have a mild case. I have been under lots of different psychiatrists since my first overdose 8 years ago. It was after another new pschiatrsit reviewed my notes that he made the diagnosis. I am very thankful to him. He appointed me a lovely social worker whom I have worked with usually weekly for about 15 months. It is mainly through my work with her and change in personal circumstances that I have now come off medication and am going to university in February.

I agree with you when you talk about isolating yourself so that you don't create problems but is this the right way to go?

Through learning about BPD and starting to do some courses and my social worker I have learnt how to react differently in social situations.

I moved four months ago to live by myself for the first time in my life. It has been very hard. The loneliness engulfs me at times. But these are the very times that I know I have to go out or do things that I enjoy at home.

I am very blessed to have been offered a job at the mental health recovery centre I started attending late last year. I work in the office answering phones, doing reception work and general office administration for 2 & 1/2 hours a day, 5 days a week. The staff have been very supportive of me. Specially after I lost it and went home and overdosed in May. Times like that I greatly appreciated that I work with others that know about mental illness. They made me talk through the problems that were work related. They and my case worker have helped me to understand it's OK to ask for help, to talk things out, to question (Although at times they have got very frustrated with my questions) and again to question.

Here is a classic example. I work in what they called a supported role. I do not attend staff meetings and there has at times been some discrimination towards those of us who are consumers/tangata whai ora (which means people seeking wellness) in regards to staff social outings. The person whom I replaced at work left to go onto polytechnic. She had been attending for 5 years and had been working in the office for 2 years I think. She was uanble to continue at polytech due in part to her mental illness and came back to work. She was given the job (a new one) of programme assistant. Then of course she was staff.

One night not long after she came back the staff all went out for dinner. I was not invited. This became a problem for me and I ended up feeling suicidal and after contacting the crisis team I went into respite for three days. There have been changes in management since then and I have been invited to attend other staff functions. Except a month ago I asked what was happening for Christmas, to be told that they were going out for tea on the 20th. No details followed. My friend & co-worker (another consumer) had organised to go away for two weeks for respite and she was due back today. Being the 20th. She was told that if she felt up to it on her return that the staff were going out for tea..... No mention was made to me except by her. I sat and waited. I started stewing over it. Don't they want me to go? Why should my friend go if I couldn't? All the old self defeating statements came back.

But through working through a book called Prisoners of Belief with my social worker, I am learning to challenge things. This was a challenge. I had to ask. I thought about what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. The moment came and I burst into tears. After the tears abated I was able to talk about it. The poor lady I spoke to apologised. It was a mistake. They did want me to go. Since then other staff have asked me questions about it, as they too knew it was on but details were not clear. It was not personal. I could have made it a problem (or at least more of a problem) by not asking. I could have allowed myself to feel totally rejected. I could have allowed it to become such an issue that might have led me to feeling suicidal. Who knows? I got up the courage to ask.

How does this relate? By making myself do things I feel better. I have days when I don't want to go to work. When I want to stay in bed. When life is so bad I can't see the point of carrying on. But it is then I know I have to move.
By talking things through with someone else I have been able to see other people's points of view. Different ways of looking at things. It has been a lot of hard work. I still struggle. As you said we have a lot to be thankful for. I have survived. I am still alive even though I have attempted to take my life on so many occassions.

For me the new year will bring many challenges. I am moving to a strange city. I will be flatting with strangers (or is that friends I haven't made yet). I will attempt to study for a degree. I will be away from friends and family. But I will not fall into old patterns of behaviour. I know that if I do I will not live. I like most bpder's really do want to live. It's just that our emotions overtake us.

I like the way BPD was first described to me. I was told that it's like an electric kettle. The new ones have a thermostat which turns them off when they are boiling. We don't have that thermostat. Our emotions just boil on. Thankfully with medication and learning how, I can turn myself off. Now I don't take medication either. By having medication I always had a way of attempting suicide. I don't like pain and overdosing has always been the only option for me. By taking away that option I have had to look at other things. I have had to work on my problems. I know this is not the answer for everyone. For me it works.