Story #11

Now that I am here I don't know where to begin......

Tonight is a lonely night...guess that is why I came into this room to begin with. I have a lot of them lately. But that is nothing new. I have been lonely for the past 25 years.

In my life there has been no "great" trauma. I was not abused, or neglected, or any of the other things that some people with BPD have gone through. I think that I came by this naturally. Only recently have I been diagnosed with this disorder. In my 14 years of psychiatry I have pretty much had everything ( bi-polarity, schizophrenia, OCD, depression and anxiety disorder ). The first time I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt I was 16. I had to convince the doctor in the ER to admit me....there I was... scared, covered in open wounds that went from my neck to my hips, and alone. The doctor told me that it didn't seem so serious to him, that I should go home and try to calm down. I tried to tell him that for me there was no such option. If I went home then, I would never leave there alive again. Guess that finally convinced him.... I spent the next two months living in a psych ward at a local hospital. I have been back five times since then. This time I am determined not to return. 

For the last three years I have actually been really under control. And then I met a person that totally destroyed what small grip on a normal life I had. He is not a bad person....only it is very hard to remember that some days. To not think in the good/bad pattern. We are human. Simply humans.

Anyway, most of my problems lie with my relations to others. I do not attract people, quite the opposite...I do my best to make sure they can not get to me. If they cannot get in, I can not be hurt. This was always my philosophy. But it can lead to a very empty life. So every now and again I try to reach out, even though I expect from the beginning to get hurt. And I usually am. Is that their fault or my own? That I cannot answer.

I know this seems as though I am rambling, and maybe I am. I just wanted to leave something here for others. Know that there is always hope. That even when you cannot see them, there will always be someone who does care. You just have to be patient ( even though that can sometimes be the hardest thing to do ) and they will make themselves known.
thank you for listening.