Story #12

I HAD A GREAT CHILDHOOD.. WONDERFUL PARENTS. NICE HOUSE. FRIENDS AND LAUGHTER.. LOTS OF LAUGHTER AND LOVE.. AND THAN WHEN I WAS 13 YEARS OLD, NOTHING. I HAD THE PARENTS THE HOUSE ETC. BUT MY NICE HOUSE BECAME MY ESCAPE AND MY PRISON.

I DIDN'T SEE FRIENDS, AND I COULDN'T REMEMBER HOW TO LAUGH ANYMORE AND FOR 2 YEARS I LIVED LIKE THIS. ALONE.

AFTER THE TWO YEARS I DECIDED I WOULD REACH OUT OR DIE. SO I TRIED BEING AROUND PEOPLE AGAIN. I TRIED AND UNFORTUNATELY FOUND OUT THAT WHEN I DRANK ALCOHOL, I WAS THE LIFE OF THE PARTY AND I WASN'T SO AFRAID TO MESS UP. I THOUGHT AT 15 I FINALLY HAD FOUND THE WAY.. DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. I WAS SOMEWHAT HAPPY AS LONG AS I HAD A DRINK AND A DRUG..

OF COURSE THAT LED TO VIOLENT OUTBURSTS WHEN I WASN'T DRINKING. MY POOR PARENTS. I AM SO SORRY FOR THEM. I WOULD DISAPPEAR FOR DAYS AND RAN AWAY TO CALIFORNIA AT THE AGE OF 15. LIVED ON THE STREETS AND IT DIDN'T REALLY MATTER.. I WAS OUT OF IT.

WHEN I FINALLY WENT HOME, THINGS WERE WORSE, I WENT BACK TO THE ISOLATION AND DIDN'T WANT TO SPEAK TO ANYONE. THE PAIN WAS SO BAD I COULDN'T EVEN SPEAK OF IT. SO I DIDN'T SPEAK AT ALL.

THEN MY BROTHER TOOK ME OFF  TO AN AA. MEETING. THAT WAS MY FIRST GLIMPSE INTO THE REST OF THE WORLD. SOME JUST LIKE ME. SOME NOT. BUT ALL TRYING TO BE WELL. I HAVE BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER NOW FOR 4 YEARS. THE HARDEST THING THRU THIS WHOLE ORDEAL IS THAT I WASN'T DIAGNOSED UNTIL 3 MONTHS AGO WITH BPD.. I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH PTSD, BIPOLAR DISORDER, YOU NAME IT, I HAD THE TAG. NOW I HOPE THAT I HAVE THE RIGHT TAG. SOUNDS DUMB I KNOW, BUT I NEED TO NAME MY ILLNESS SO I CAN LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT. I STILL DO NOT WORK, I AM AFRAID MY CHILDREN TWO GIRLS-9 AND 11 STILL HAVE A MOM THAT SITS THERE AND FRIENDS THAT ASK.. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR MOM.  

MY SON WHO IS 18 LIVES WITH HIS DAD NOW AFTER 17 YEARS WITH ME. ALL THE UNREAL THINGS I KNOW I SAID TO HIM BUT CANT RECALL. I WISH I COULD TAKE IT ALL BACK BUT I CANT.

I STILL DON'T HAVE FRIENDS I STILL CANT TALK ABOUT THE PAIN BEING SO BAD. BUT I TALK NOW MAYBE SINCE I KNOW THAT EVERYTHING I READ ON BPD IS ME, I CAN NAME IT, STUDY IT , AND LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT. MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL WALK INTO THE SUNSHINE AND NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT COULD GO WRONG OR HOW AWFUL I LOOK OR BE ANGRY OR AFRAID.. MAYBE ONE DAY I COULD WALK IN THE SUNSHINE AND SAY TO MY SELF "LORD, ITS A BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY" I WANT THAT SO BADLY.

EVEN IF I COULD BE NORMAL FOR JUST ONE DAY. NOT FOR ME MAINLY, BUT MY KIDS, TO BE ABLE TO PLAY AND LAUGH AND CARRY ON WITH THEM WOULD BE WONDERFUL. I HOPE ONE DAY I CAN LEARN TO LAUGH AGAIN. BUT UNTIL THEN I WILL STILL TRY TO EMBRACE THE LIFE I HAVE , ONE DAY AT A TIME.