Story #14

i have been wanting to write my story for a very long time...  somehow i kept getting off track... but after reading about other people’s lives... there are many things i see that we all share...and i feel a bit safer... and i would like to write now... <deep breath> my parent’s marriage was unhealthy... at the age of four (possibly earlier) my mother decided to take me along on her indiscretions... the longest lasting affair was with john... one night i was sitting with my father watching the wizard of oz, which i was excited about, when my mother approached me, "Are you ready? come on... let’s go... we’ll get you something good to eat..."i knew what that meant- she was going to see john... i didn’t want to go... i said so...i was about five and a half at the time... this was perhaps the first time that i had refused her... she gave me That Look, as she snapped the gloves on her tiny hands... the moment she was out of the drive, i told my father where she was going.. all he said was, "i know.."neither of us looked away from the television... my brother and i were riding our bicycles around the neighborhood sometime after that incident... we were carefree... racing...laughing... until we saw both of their cars heading towards home... we rode hard and ran inside... i jumped onto my mother’s lap, scared... and asking, "So, you get me, right?"  she lowered her head and said that i had to go with my father... i screamed and cried throwing myself into the back seat and remained silent all the way to our grandparent’s house...  that was it... the divorce.. i was 6 and my brother was 15 months younger...  he didn’t seem to take it as hard... but when she telephoned us at grams, she would never ask to talk to him first, i had to prompt that... when she did talk to him it was for a short time... i felt saddened by that... soon after the D, my father met someone... his new fiancé got to see my mom and john show up and grams with guns... my grandfather got out his...i guess my mom was drugged out and stopped over unannounced for a family visit?  the next thing i knew, we were leaving for florida... my grandparents (dad’s side) hated mom, and my mom’s mom "mama" drove us like a bat out of hell to our new destination...she was so angry the whole while and cussing about her whore of a daughter... we had no idea we were moving for good... the 7th year of my life in florida was the hardest, i think... i was not allowed to ask questions about my mom, write, call, or visit her... from 8-14 my memories are sketchy... i had abandonment issues...when i turned 15, i was allowed to visit her... all the horrible things i had heard about her.. N lover (for marrying john), whore, druggie, that she hated my brother and i...etc... i was a nervous wreck.. i thought the meeting and stay at her house went well (although i had walked right past her at the airport)...but... later i learned that she had called back home to say that i was spoiled, lazy, rude, etc... Spoiled?  we were dirt poor, and if anything, i was Seriously depressed... And i was on eggshells, which she misinterpreted ... how could she label me- she didn’t know me!! i had only been at her house for a week...i only saw mom a few times after that.. we never hit it off.. she displayed symptoms of anxiety, depression, and probably bpd, but when i tried to talk to her about this (save the bpd which is a recent diagnosis) she responded with, "nothing is wrong with ME... i am tired of reliving my past...get over it" she did ask about my brother but he wanted nothing to do with a N lover...plus i heard stories about how she neglected him by leaving him sitting outside on the porch in a thunder storm while she had sex with john at our house in ohio...who knows what is true in my family--(i use that term loosely) he was brainwashed and neglected and hurting and Silent... my relationships with dad, step mom, brother, grandfather and grandmother (dad’s side) and Mama were strained at best... no one understood me- ever... i was called lazy, spiteful, hateful, ignorant, and so forth... good support system, right?  no one suggested that i get help even when i was anorexic- no one noticed that!  i do not even know my brother... he called a few months ago to tell me my Gram was very ill... and i listened to his message but did not return the call.. she died and i have not cried... my grandfather died in 92,  and mama in 95 (?)  i cannot mourn over people who treated me badly...but if a friend’s pet dies, i cry like a baby... i have great relationships with pets...  personal r-ships have not come easy.. i am moody, violent, intense, dislike being touched sometimes, and require a lot of space...or i am insecure, and needy... i have been in a same sex 4 year relationship that is not trouble free..  i have bipolar, anxiety, ocd, borderline, and all the other problems... now... it fits perfectly, and i suspected it for some time... life has not been easy living like this.. there is so much more, as you all can probably read between the lines... i often get a longing to *go home* when i know there is no home to go to.. hasn’t been since childhood ...my dad is an alcoholic ... he cannot be around me... my mother is in denial and blames me for.... what? asking questions? having some anger towards the lack of nurturing, support, flexibility?  well... from coming here and reading everyone’s stories, little by little, things fall into place a little more.. like how i was used by my mother all along- a cover... how my father remarried so soon and i was not given attention when i desperately needed it-confusing times!!  how my grandparents who raised me for a while had the poorest of coping skills... how i was not ignorant, and proved that in college... to myself anyway... how my anger was from so many things, betrayal, abandonment, neglect, people causing me to doubt my own perceptions... yet They Blamed Me!! well, thank you for reading this... i hope you are all finding ways to make yourselves happy... we missed out on soooo much growing up.. it is time for US!